Playing hard to get — delivering, then withholding, affection and attention — has plenty of advocates and critics. But it's usually discussed in terms of couples during the courtship stage, not after they're married.
Marriage counselors say that playing hard to get can, at times, lead to growth in a relationship. The urge to pull back might signal that something is lacking or needed in a relationship, and then you can attend to the issue.
But they also caution that the tactic can easily backfire if your partner resents the attempt at manipulation.
Couples therapist Becky Whetstone, based in Little Rock, Ark., bristled at the idea of someone playing hard to get. Often, she said, she sees struggling relationships where people act childish — and playing hard to get qualifies.
"The No. 1 cause of divorce is immaturity," Whetstone said. "Most people that I see are conducting themselves at an emotional maturity level of between 4 years old and 15."
This attitude can manifest in a variety of unhealthy ways, she said: "You sit there and say to yourself, 'How can I get my husband to come in and be close to me? Well, I'm going to have a tantrum.' Or, 'I'm going to have a pity party for myself.' Or, 'I'm going to go have drinks with someone from work.' "
Psychotherapist Ken Page, author of "Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy," agreed. Playing hard to get, he said, can be a "pretty primitive response. You're saying, 'I'm feeling insecure, so let me spark some insecurity in my partner.' "
Plus, it can often come off as needy, which is the opposite of what people intend.