They're speeding up the security lines at MSP. How, you ask? Cattle prods? No: there's a new gate with 10 lanes. Hoorah! No more nerve-racking waits. But it gets even better. Here are some new features of the huge security checkpoint:
The guy who hollers out instructions like "PLEASE REMOVE ALL PHYSICAL MATTER FROM YOUR PERSON, INCLUDING KEYS, RABBITS FEET, ROCKS, AND KEYCHAINS THAT HAVE A TROLL DOLL FOR A FOB EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE 46 YEARS OLD" will be joined by two others who chant the same thing, but they'll do it round-style, like the "row, row, row your boat" song.
To speed up the line, the TSA agents who makes three squiggles to indicate PROBABLY NOT A TERRORIST will make just two squiggles.
Taking a cue from grocery stores, self-checkout lanes will let you run the X-ray machine to see if you have an explosive device.
The whooshy electronic booth that scans you for explosives while you have your hands up has been fine-tuned so it no longer braids your underarm hair.
You'll still have to take off your shoes, but a volunteer army of retired shoe salesmen who have not stood erect since 1974 will be ready on the other side to put them back on and ask how that feels. There will also be someone who watched you put on your belt, and he will say "Missed a loop" if you did it incorrectly, but no one will notice because they think he's calling for Mister Loop, and that's not your name.
Finally: TSA PreCheck line, which lets some people go through security with 57 percent fewer indignities, will be elevated one foot so the Pre people can literally look down on everyone else.
James Lileks • 612-673-7858
