Dear Amy: I have seven brothers and sisters. One of my brothers waited to get married until his mid-40s. Before marrying, he was happy and everybody loved him. Unfortunately, his wife turned out to be a shrew and turned him into a beaten-down and unhappy man. She found fault with almost everyone in our large family and has kicked my brother out of the house twice. For the past four years she has refused to attend any of our family functions. My brother has attended while she stayed at home.
I suggested to my brother that she must have some kind of disorder and needs counseling, but, of course, the response was that our whole family had issues and that there was nothing wrong with her.
My mom died four years ago and my dad died last week. At both funerals she was smart enough not to sit with the family. However, she was at my dad's wake helping my sisters, and just yesterday she showed up for a memorial service for my uncle.
Now that my mom and dad are gone she is suddenly back in the picture! Some of my brothers, sisters and in-laws are forgiving and welcoming her back to the family. My wife and I cannot forget the wrongs she did to my parents and other family members. My daughter was married four weeks ago and we refused to invite her to the wedding. My brother came alone (reluctantly).
My wife and I refuse to forgive and forget. This has caused a rift in the family.
Amy says: You and your wife should ask yourselves whose interests are served by your current attitude. Does it make your brother's life any better when you exclude his spouse?
Given that other family members have moved on, your unforgiving attitude may serve only to alienate you — not her — further from family-related events. Have you noticed that she draws closer and you are withdrawing? Does it occur to you that she may be trying to change the dynamic?
The answer now is for you to express yourself clearly and respectfully ("We continue to be upset about how you treated my parents") and then — yes — forgive and move on. (You don't have to forget.)