Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. His brother is an alcoholic, which is a common theme in his family. And he has been unfaithful to his wife on numerous occasions.

I told my husband that his brother makes me very uncomfortable and I do not want him around our kids with his level of drinking. I kept it between the two of us because I didn't want to cause a huge family rift and I figured that his wife has suffered enough public embarrassment.

My husband decided to attend a family gathering (solo) and brought his brand-new sports car. His brother took the vehicle for a ride (drunk) without his permission. The brothers have not spoken since.

Within the family, we are perceived as snobby. We celebrate holidays without my in-laws, because they believe that we should just ignore these issues. My mother-in-law still invites us to their gatherings, despite knowing that we don't want to attend.

We would reconsider reconciliation only if his brother were to receive treatment and be in recovery. My in-laws insist that we are wrong and are keeping the family apart, which is very hurtful to us and their granddaughters.

Why can't they realize the importance of having an individual relationship with our family?

Amy says: Despite your evident and understandable frustration, the tone and content of your question reveals a strong desire to control your in-laws — to get them to recognize the impact of your brother-in-law's drinking, to pull them around to accepting your perspective, and even to convince them to have "an individual relationship" with your family.

You also seem to resent the fact that they continue to invite and include you in their family events, even though you don't want to attend.

You have made your own choices — according to your own family values and preferences. They are doing the same.

You refuse to enable your brother-in-law's drinking, or to even be around him if he might be drinking. That's an understandable choice.

The next step should be to accept the messy reality of this family, without clinging to the notion that you might have the power to change their reality. Stand down. Give yourself a break. You and your husband might benefit from Al-anon meetings (check Al-anon.org).

Doing her proud

Dear Amy: My friend (who is one year younger) has a habit of telling me she's "proud" of me for doing big and small things. I bought a house and she said she was proud of me. I said I was going out of town, and she said she was proud of me.

And it's not just me. I heard her tell another friend that she thought her house was "adorable."

I can't tell if she means to belittle people or if I'm blowing it out of proportion. Thoughts?

Amy says: I can't say for sure without hearing the tone of her remarks, but my sense is that your friend is unaware that her comments come off as patronizing.

"I'm proud of you" might be her stand-in for "I'm happy for you."

I'm unsure of what is so off-putting about calling someone's house "adorable," and in that instance you seem to be hypersensitive about your friend's word choices.

Talk to her. Tell her, "I hope you can understand that when you say, 'I'm proud of you,' it feels like you are infantilizing me. I don't think you mean it that way, but I'm letting you know that it bothers me."

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.