Commenter Clarence Swamptown writes every week about issues that are dear to his corrupt mind. This works out very well for him and readers. As usual, the opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?


(Side note: This is the two-year anniversary of Clearance Clarence, and I'd like to thank Mr. RandBall for allowing me the opportunity to be such a knucklehead every week. I'd also like to thank all of you for putting up with me. OK, onto the regularly scheduled nonsense.) POP QUIZ HOT SHOT: Who was the most valuable player for the Minnesota Twins in 2011? If you said Michael Cuddyer or Scott Baker -- you are wrong. Good guesses, but wrong. ANSWER: The most valuable player for your 2011 Minnesota Twins was New York Yankees outfielder Nick Swisher, if only because his leg-breaking takeout slide of Tsuyoshi Nishioka kept the young infielder off the starting roster for more than 60 games and was probably the only thing that kept the Twins from losing 100 games last season. It's called sabermetrics. WAR and stuff. Look it up.

Since the end of the 2011 season, the Star Tribune's TwinsCentric stable of super-bloggers have been offering their individual "Offseason Blueprints" for improving the Twins in 2012. The team has a lot of holes to fill, but apparently they only have about $20 million to fill those holes. I'm not smart enough to know how to break down the free agent market and find low-cost diamonds in the rough. Jamey Carroll seems kind of old to me (JHE PLAYED WITH ANDRES GALARRAGA IN MONTREAL!), but the experts seem to think it's a solid move. I'm just a simple rube fan, so my Twins Offseason Blueprint is fairly modest: the Minnesota Twins should target Nick Swisher as their one and only offseason priority. Before we start, please allow me to set this straight: I do not like Nick Swisher. I never liked him when he played for the White Sox, and my animosity naturally grew when he landed with the Yankees. And then he started dating that actress who plays Cheyenne on that goofy Reba McEntire show and THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW SWISHER I KNOW YOU GOT MY LETTERS I CALLED DIBS. That said, for the good of the Minnesota Twins, I am willing to set all of my Nick Swisher hatred aside for one simple reason: Nick Swisher has the unique and innate ability to magically resolve the Twins' problems by simply sliding into them. I don't know how he does it, maybe it's supernatural or something. But considering the Twins' multitude of problems, I suggest they try to tap into some of that magic for 2012. And although his 2012 option was picked up by the New York Yankees, I'm sure the Yankees would be willing to deal for the right price. So that's my one and only Twins offseason move: trade for Nick Swisher and have him slide into things.

First things first, let's end that thing with Cheyenne.

Next, let's usher in the Terry Ryan era entirely.

…the Sanford sign has got to go.

…bring the trees back…

…bring Wally back…

… Span's head, Mauer's legs, Morneau's head…

…and as long as we're at it, let's kill the piped-in music and have a little more organ. BOOM. There you go Terry Ryan, there's my Twins Offseason Blueprint. Trade for Nick Swisher and have him slide into things. 100 wins. You're welcome.