Vikings QB Christian Ponder is getting $60 haircuts these days.

"Wow, you got ripped off," said Vikings PR assistant Tom West, needling Ponder after seeing the results.

That's no way to talk to the local market's most eligible sports bachelor now that Twins heartthrob Joe Mauer is engaged to nurse Maddie Bisanz.

I reassured Ponder that he's still cute, even though he looks as if he cuts his own hair. But despite reports to the contrary, Ponder's calf muscles are nothing special.

FOX 9 football contributor Paul Charchian had tipped me off that Ponder had huge calves. I went directly to Winter Park to shoot startribune.com/video of said gams.

"I have calves?" Ponder said, questioning my information while looking down at his legs. "I have no calves."

He has lovely legs, but the calves are not massive, although "Minnesota Bound" show host Ron Schara describes Ponder's gams as "a little bigger than normal." That was obviously part of Schara's charm offensive because he's arranging to feature the QB ice fishing in an upcoming edition of "Minnesota Bound," which runs on KARE11.

Schara, who formerly worked at the Strib, was grousing (out of season) about how he could have gotten Ponder's cellphone number if I had not been there. West told me that he thought Schara had all the contact information he needed, being in possession of the QB's e-mail address.

West also quipped that the tip about Ponder's calves that I got from Charchian was "indicative of his evaluation skills." That's a shot!

Then West arranged for me to interview Vikings nose tackle Fred Evans, the undisputed locker room Calves King. Someday, Evans said, "I'm going to have to get my good friend Chris Kluwe to get a protractor, a piece of string or something so we can" figure out the circumference of the NT's calves.

"Most impressive," said Kluwe, who's been kicking the heck out of the ball. "Imagine if I had calves like Fred's. Kick it out of the stadium."

Groomed for travel

Former Vikings QB Donovan McNabb got the VIP Hair & Nails treatment Thursday.

Actually, he was having his hair shaved off his head for the bald pate look and getting his wild, full beard tamed, trimmed and sculpted.

A customer at the Minneapolis salon asked McNabb about parting ways with the Vikings. McNabb coolly stressed that he asked to be released because nothing was going to happen for him here with the Vikings. He was 1-5 as the starter before being replaced by rookie Ponder.

When asked why he was still in the Twin Cities, McNabb said that one of his children is still in school.

The 13-year veteran NFLer seemed very comfortable in his skin. He made eye contact and even greeted others he encountered while moving from station to station at the salon. And McNabb looked a tad more fit than he did at Winter Park. So he's in shape if another team calls.

Going to Haiti

Perhaps because Hades and Haiti sound alike if not precisely enunciated, Kim Kardashian has not gone exactly where some of her detractors wanted.

The 72 Day Wife of Minnesota-born NBAer Kris Humphries is reportedly off to Haiti on some charity mission work.

Raise your hand if you suspect this is part of a campaign to repair her image.

That image is in a shambles as a result of selfishly pouring millions into a marriage ceremony that now looks tailor-made for her reality show.

After Kardashian filed for divorce on Halloween, Humphries decided to seek an annulment on the grounds of "fraud."

And don't get me started about how she took a swing at Humphries on TV in a recently aired episode because he stepped on her wet toenails.

According to the Wall Street Journal, Kardashian is retreating to Haiti with actor Maria Bello, who co-founded the organization We Advance.

Curiously enough, also traveling with Kardashian is her momager, Kris Jenner. During an episode of their reality show, Jenner uncharitably discouraged Kim from supporting an event hosted by her sister's boyfriend, who has shown up to support Kim on a regular basis.

More callous than usual

In other attempts to demonstrate what a caring person Kardashian is, the National Enquirer reported that she wanted to attend the recent funeral of Humphries' 19-year-old cousin, Luke Lemke, but Humphries wouldn't let her.

"Kim adored Luke, and she called to express her condolences. But when she asked about attending Luke's funeral in Minnesota, he [Kris] stopped her cold, saying, 'I really don't want you here. This is about Luke, and if you come, the funeral will be about you,'" a "family source" -- presumably of the Kardashian family variety-- told the Enquirer, which wrote: "The TV sexpot was stunned."

Really? A woman who surprised her husband by filing divorce papers is "stunned" that he doesn't want her around his family? Only a self-absorbed "TV sexpot" would even dream of glomming onto a family tragedy to help repair her own tattered image.

It's rather surprising that the Enquirer made the connection between Humphries and his deceased cousin, since the teenager had a different last name. Unless, of course, Kardashian or one of her agents tipped off the Enquirer.

It's also interesting that, despite how Kardashian adored the teenager who died too soon, someone in her media-savvy camp didn't even know the reason he died. The Enquirer story got the cause of death all wrong, according to my information.

C.J. is at 612.332.TIPS or cj@startribune.com. E-mailers, please state a subject -- "Hello" doesn't count. Attachments are not opened, so don't even try. More of her attitude can been seen Thursday mornings on FOX 9.