Ask Amy: Struggling relative needs RSVP help

Dear Amy: I've struggled with the thoughtful way to RSVP to certain events in the past, and now that I'm once again facing this issue, I wonder if you could please offer me your opinion.

I'm part of a large extended family (siblings, cousins, etc.), who all are successful and incredibly wealthy. I am proud of their successes; however, I am in a far different situation.

I am retired on a limited budget and am solely responsible for the full-time care of my disabled adult child. When I've been invited to some large celebratory events that require long flights, expensive travel plans and managing difficult time zone shifts with my child, I've simply sent a RSVP saying that we were sorry that we couldn't attend (we do attend events held at locations within our state).

Now we've been invited to another extravagant celebration overseas, planned over the course of a few days. Although it sounds amazing, this trip would be extremely costly and arduous, but I worry that if I simply decline, family members will think that I just don't care.

Should I keep my RSVP simple and just gracefully decline, or is it ever appropriate to say that although we would love to join the celebration, the travel and cost is just beyond our means at this time?

Amy says: Your wealthy family members likely anticipate that you won't be able to attend their events, and yet they invite you to be inclusive. The gracious way to respond is to thank them for the invitation and express happiness for them and enthusiasm for their event, which, unfortunately, you will have to miss.

For an elaborate international celebration, you might add, "A trip of this sort is just too complicated for me to manage, but I'll be thinking of you all. I hope you have a wonderful time, and I look forward to hearing about it when you return."

A few years ago, we relocated to be closer to our son and his family. Until recently, I didn't realize how much my husband dislikes our son's mother-in-law "June" (she lives nearby, also).

This past year, my husband has refused to attend holiday functions if June is there. Nobody — including June — knows how he feels (only me). He usually makes up an excuse, and I go by myself.

I can't let my son know because it would not only hurt him, but also hurt and offend our daughter-in-law, whom we love.

I have become extremely unhappy and bitter with my husband regarding his feelings. Do I need to choose between him and family?

Amy says: You do not need to choose between your husband and your family. I give you full permission to live your life and enjoy your relationships, however you have them and however you want to.

Basically, I'm suggesting that you simply let this be and resist the temptation to manage your husband's relationships for him.

If your son wonders why his father is choosing not to attend some family events, you should respond, "I don't speak for your father. You'll have to ask him what his thinking is."