The ads for AXE body spray tell teens that the aroma will attract girls with such force they'll fly across the room and chip a tooth when they kiss you. Teen boys, thus informed, empty a can on themselves. They all pile into a car, and they have to squeegee the AXE off the inside of the glass. They have no idea that women developed AXE as an Early Loser-Alert System. ¶ But does it disrupt the educational process? State Rep. Karen Clark wants an "awareness" program in schools, reminding today's redolent youth that a lungful of AXE may not only annoy, but bring distress to asthma sufferers. ¶ If you're wondering what this stuff smells like, well, several cans were procured from the drugstore, with no small amount of shame. Our report:
Looking for a date? Then put down the AXE
AXE Phoenix: Once upon a time, we called it Right Guard. Guys in the gym loved this stuff. The slower ones always wished they'd come out with Left Guard so they could, you know, do the other pit too.
AXE Unlimited: Designed to seduce the ladies. If you spray it, they will come. Unlikely, but if a woman appears, she will be holding out a loofah on the end of a 10-foot poll, and you will know her as "Mom."
RGX: RUSH: Says the back: "To start your morning, after a workout, or before going out, RGX freshens you up." Or you could just bathe. Orangey, with a top note of phosgene.
Do we need a statewide school ban? No; this would deprive teenage boys of the chance to learn how much this stuff does not work. But if a class has someone sensitive to this stuff, of course the teacher should be able to nix it.
This isn't new. When I was a mature, sophisticated teen, we all smelled as though we marinated our clothing in Brut and gargled with English Leather. In college, the Beau Brummells would roll into the bar where I worked smelling like refugees from a Polo Tsunami. (The waves had apparently turned up the collars of their Izod shirts, too.)
These guys would have teenage sons now, and if you're wondering whether an AXE ban would result in parents who defend their kid's right to wear a 9-foot-wide smell cloud: There's your answer.
Discuss this and more at startribune.com/buzz, where Lileks blogs throughout the week.
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