Hey, you guys, this Facebook online computer virtual social network thing you suggested is great. What a campaign tool! My first term on the county board, and already I’ve got more friends than Hubert Humphrey ever did. :)! Hahaha.
But a lot of my friends are getting "tagged" (what’s that mean?) and "poked" (what’s THAT mean?) and being given drinks (I know what that means). What am I doing wrong? Nobody has sent me a drink. Nobody’s tagged or poked me. A constituent did invite me to play Scrabble, but after a couple of days she stopped paying attention to the game.
Anyway, I see a lot of people getting tagged in "25 things" lists, and the deal seems to be that if you get tagged, then you have to write a list of 25 things about yourself. So in case I get tagged, here’s a draft I’ve been messing around with. I think it’s a good way to get my message out:
1. I never wanted to hold public office, but my friends kept asking me to run for the county board. I said LOL, people, cut it out! But they wouldn’t.
2. The stimulus program is going to ruin our economy.
3. I will fight for every dime of stimulus money coming to us.
4. Facebook makes it too easy to change your relationship status. I think it’s one reason for our high divorce rate. I can prove it, probably.
5. I think $9 million is a reasonable price tag for one mile of bicycle trail in Minneapolis. (If anybody is Facebook friends with the Duluth mayor, don’t tell him I said so, because that’s, like, six years’ worth of his road-repair budget.)
6. My friends have been urging me to run for mayor of Duluth.
7. The first clue my wife wanted a divorce was when she changed her relationship status to "it’s complicated."
8. She told me she was leaving to spend more time with family. When I pointed out that I WAS family, she said she was leaving to pursue exciting opportunities.
9. Snow emergencies are just a way for the government to print money.
10. My daughter has a movie called "10 Things I Hate About You."
11. The media love to scare people with stories about mercury in our lakes. So how come they never write about fluoride? Liberal bias.
12. My favorite movie is "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." BTW, many of my friends have been urging me to go to Washington.
13. I try to dance like no one is watching but people look at me like I’m a freak.
14. I am the change you’ve been waiting for.
15. If we let school districts begin the year in August, we should pass a law requiring schools to schedule field trips to the State Fair.
16. I know what Bill Murray whispers to Scarlett Johansson in "Lost in Translation."
17. I am ready to sign a three-book deal, like Condi Rice got, offering my story to a respectable publisher. Serious inquiries only, please.
18. I know why seagulls congregate in parking lots.
19. I mailed the Dalai Lama a DVD of "Groundhog Day." I never heard back.
20. You’ll take away my pit bull when you pry him from my cold, dead fingers.
21. Medical marijuana will just give people incentives to get cancer.
22. Many of my friends have urged me to submit my name as a compromise candidate in the U.S. Senate race.
23. We can’t smoke in bars. We’re not supposed to smoke in cars if our kids are with us (even if the kids are pestering us to take them to the mall and they CHOSE to be in the car). We’re not supposed to use our cell phones in cars. So how long before we can’t use our cell phones in bars?
24. I like "24."
25. I had no desire to write a list, but all my friends urged me to.
Eric Ringham is the Star Tribune’s commentary editor. He is at firstname.lastname@example.org.