How to talk to kids about ICE

Many families with children who could be directly affected by Immigration Customs Enforcement operations have been talking about the subject for weeks. Families who have not been impacted may not have discussed the subject, or know what to say. But all children have questions.

Katie Lingras, a child psychologist at the University of Minnesota, encourages parents to broach the subject, even if it feels fraught.

“The natural response from many parents is, ‘This is really scary. I want to protect my kids, and I’m not going to talk about it,’” she said.

But even very young kids can pick up on subtle cues that something’s different, and Lingras says that giving them age-appropriate information can be more reassuring than avoiding the subject. “It’s all about how you talk about it and what you say,” she said.

Lingras and other local experts share their tips for how to talk immigration, ICE operations and Renee Good’s death with children from preschool to high-school age.

Your kids are likely overhearing conversations or noticing changes in behavior. If you avoid the subject, kids can fill the gap with misinformation and worst-case scenarios they’ve conjured.

“Even if they don’t have explicit knowledge, they can have just an implicit feeling if there’s something wrong,” Lingras said. “Kids down to ages 2 or 3 can make up their own stories about what’s going on if they aren’t given some sort of explanation.”

“If you started the conversation, that means you’ve opened the door to the conversation and created a pathway to go back and have continued conversation,” she said.

Start by taking a few deep breaths. Though the subject may make caregivers angry, sad or fearful, experts suggest trying to initiate conversation when you are calm and regulated. That way, you can help kids process the information in a way that grounds and reassures them instead of panicking them.

Ask kids what they know already and what questions they have, as they may need to have misinformation corrected. Acknowledge that while the events are upsetting, you will support them as best as possible.

Local psychologist David Walsh and his daughter Erin Walsh, co-founders of the Spark & Stitch Institute, suggest validating kids’ experience of any traumatic event by saying something like, “It makes sense that you feel this way. This should never have happened, and it is awful.”

Lingras suggests reassuring kids by saying something like: “It’s OK to be scared, it’s OK to be angry and we are doing everything we can to keep you safe.”

For preschool-age children, focus on routines, comfort and reassurance and offer a more general message. St. Paul-based anti-bias educators at Amazeworks recommend something along the lines of: “Some people aren’t being treated nicely because of where they were born. That isn’t right.”

Give elementary-age children more specific information and context to help them understand why members of the community are reacting differently to ICE than other types of law-enforcement officers. Preteens and older children can understand more abstract concepts about race, justice, civil rights and policy.

You can explain that Good was trying to observe what ICE agents were doing. Her confrontation with ICE officer Jonathan Ross escalated and he shot and killed her. It’s OK to be direct in your language, Lingras said, without being graphic.

It’s important to have a family safety plan and to designate a trusted guardian for your children, should you be deported. Lingras and other University of Minnesota child mental health professionals put together a pamphlet and webinar to help families directly affected by ICE operations to support their children.

“Even if your child is very young, tell them who will take care of them if you have to go away, what their days might look like at that person’s house and how you will be able to stay connected from afar,” they advise.

Reinforce the idea of resilience by focusing on the ways people are helping and the actions you can take.