Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans: The State of the Union is … winning! We are winning so much, we are winning everywhere. And where we’re not winning, we’re suing.
So we’re here tonight to talk about all of the amazing things the Trump administration has accomplished in only one year in office. I mean, when you think about what we’ve done in so short a time, it makes your head spin. The historians are already saying I’m the greatest president of all time. Well, one historian. I think he was a historian. The point is, we’ve made America great again!
By the way, on the drive over, I get a call from my accountant. He tells me my net worth has gone up another $1.7 billion since I took office. Like I need it, right? So Trump is not only making America great again, he’s making himself richer. Go figure.
Let’s start with the domestic side. We’ve had so many great achievements in the domestic arena, so many great victories. I mean, I always knew I’d be good at the domestic, but even I didn’t think I’d be this good.
Now, I know what the media are saying — the media are so lame, such a bunch of losers — they keep harping on how none of the things I promised in the campaign has even gotten out of committee. Listen, that’s called negotiation and I invented it, OK? Read “The Art of the Deal” — preferably in hardcover. And when I say “read it,” I do mean buy it; the library’s for dummies. Anyway, trust me, it’s all going to happen, and it’s going to be so terrific, you won’t believe it.
Of course the media don’t report the tremendous progress we’re making on the wall. I’m telling you, that is going to be fabulous. I’m going right from here to a meeting to pick out the color of the mortar. And just yesterday I was on the phone with John Lasseter, the big guy at Pixar; they do all those great animated cartoons. John’s a good friend of mine, good guy, big Trump fan, and I think I may let him do the artwork on the wall. The American side. Let the Mexicans do their own stuff, right? Cover it with hubcaps — whatever they want.
Oh, I hear some boos from the loser side of the aisle. You lost the election, OK? Trump, 320 electoral votes; Hillary, did she even carry her home state? Give me a break. I tried to warn her — told her she had to do something about her face if she wanted a shot.
OK, let’s turn to foreign policy. Wow! How does it feel to be the most powerful country in the world again? It’s good, right? I told you you’d like winning. OK, maybe we’ve ruffled some feathers in the process. So what? I stand by those tweets. Iran’s ayatollah does look like he buys his outfits at Bed Bath & Beyond. Angela Merkel is a bimbo. And the gross national product of Zimbabwe is less than what I carry in my change pocket.
It’s all good. The entire world is terrified of us, including our allies, and that’s how it should be. Putin and I have a terrific relationship. Turns out, by the way, he’s a big fan of “Celebrity Apprentice.” He says it’s not nearly as good with Arnold, but I’ll leave that to others to debate, even though the ratings are way down since I left.
Now I have to be completely honest with you. It’s not all good news overseas. Hamas does not want to give up those hostages. Sorry — I meant Hezbollah. And we have suffered some setbacks in the fight to take over the Islamic State oil fields. That’s not going exactly as planned. But there has been progress. I can report to you tonight that the Islamic State has tentatively agreed to let me build a fabulous world-class Trump Golf Course and Resort in the new caliphate.
So, to wrap things up, I’ve been very successful. Everything’s spectacular domestically, foreign affairs are wonderful, and America’s great again.
Thank you, you’ve been terrific. They tell me this is the largest crowd ever to attend one of these.
Gary Jacobs is a former television comedy writer and producer. He wrote this for the Los Angeles Times.