Pass 'Go'? Fat chance

The game of Monopoly has been reinvented. Again. The new edition, called "Here & Now: The World Edition," is cashless. Each player uses a debit card to pay deposits and withdrawals. Pass "Go" even once and you collect $2 million. The iron, dog and cannon have been replaced by a pretzel, koala and soccer ball, among other icons. One landing on Montreal (the new Boardwalk) or Belgrade (the new North Carolina Avenue) with a hotel and you're probably out of the game. Unfortunately, Parker Brothers' new version still seems out of touch with today's economic realities. A gander at the Community Chest and Chance cards includes collecting $250,000 profit from a Parisian fashion boutique and a travel company netting $2 million in sales for the lucky draws. Get real. Today's economy calls for thrift-store chic and "staycations." Let's go back to the spirit of Charles Darrow, who created the original Monopoly back in 1934 when he was unemployed during the depths of the Great Depression, but with a smack of snark for a modern edge. Which cards might Lady Luck show us today when we land on Chance?

Your identity is stolen. Pay $750 in out-of-pocket expenses to restore your tarnished good name.

You "forgot" to pay the water bill. Pay shutoff and reconnection fee of $108.

Your car is towed during a snow emergency after you pass out drinking cranberry Manhattans. Pay $172.

You sell your Precious Moments and baseball card collections on eBay to raise cash. Collect $1,000.

Congratulations: Your kid can't cut it at the private college. State school it is. Save $10,000.

Take a ride on light rail. Unfortunately, you can't figure out how to pay the fare so you're busted for nonpayment. Pay $180.

You win $1,000 on the slots at Mystic Lake, but can't quit while you're ahead. Pay $500 from your cash advance account.

You adopt simple living techniques and abandon Needless Markup and Whole Paycheck for Savers and Aldi. Collect $2,000.

Bad news, good news. Your adult son moves back in. You collect $2,000 of the $6,000 he owes you before he's tapped out.

Gopher 5 pays off. You match four of five numbers. Collect $500.

Your home value plummets 30 percent. Your property taxes decline 2 percent. Save $50.

Your pessimism pays off. You profit $2,000 on a short sale of your favorite retail stock.

The city decides that your street needs repaving. Cough up your share of the potholes, $1,500.

You're fired as chairman of the board. Collect $2 million from each player for your golden parachute. Monopoly game over. The game of Life begins.