Liz Reyer: Boss suddenly lash out at you? The reasons may run deep

Q My boss reprimanded me for letting down my team. My offense? Leaving work unexpectedly to be with my wife during emergency surgery. I'm stunned, and don't know how to react to him. Your thoughts?

A Ouch. You'll have to deal with the emotions from both your wife's illness and your boss' response, and continue to keep your priorities straight.

The inner game

So, how are you feeling? Depending on your wife's condition, your feelings may include fear, grief, or gratitude that it wasn't worse. Before moving past this, acknowledge your feelings so you can be in good emotional condition for you both.

What about your feelings about work? What feelings lie underneath being "stunned"? Are you genuinely surprised, or is it typical of him? Then consider your relationships with others at work. Do your teammates echo his feelings, or are they more compassionate? Likewise, assess if this is reflective of the corporate culture overall, or if he's an anomaly.

Then do something that may not be easy: try on your boss' perspective. Whether or not you agree with him, it's important to understand if he perceives you as someone with a weak team orientation. Visualize what his day might have been like leading up to his reaction to you. Other deadlines or pressures may have been at play. What else might explain his comment?

The outer game

Even if he picked the worst possible way to let you know, if he has an ongoing issue you'll need to address it. Get a meeting on your calendars and plan your approach.

You'll have a couple of agenda items: to find out if he has broader concerns and to express your reaction to his comment. Think carefully, even rehearse, how you'll express this. For example, "I was very concerned about your comment about my team orientation. It was hard to hear about it while my wife was so ill; however, if there's an underlying issue, I'd like to make a plan to address it." If he has issues to address outside of that incident, ask for specifics and focus on solutions.

Then, anticipate his response. Whether he is open or closed, receptive or cold, plan how you'll react. This is a case of you taking the higher ground, and modeling better behavior than he displayed.

Longer range, look at ways to create a more supportive environment than he provides. That doesn't necessarily mean changing organizations, especially if he doesn't reflect the broader culture. To start, know who you can turn to for support -- colleagues or friends at work, or others in leadership roles. Then ask for that support. It's hard to be an island when major life issues come up.

In the end, you may decide that you can't work for someone like him. If that's the case, take constructive steps rather than reacting impulsively in ways you may regret.

Let yourself get over the injury, and verify whether there's a grain of truth. If he's just a jerk, find support and resources elsewhere while you plan to cope.