Just give callers the help they need

Ah! what the wonders of technology have done for companies that outsource customer-service call centers.

Sometimes, while I'm on hold waiting for a live agent to embrace my questions, I feel I must have placed the call in 1995.

Then, after my interminable wait, an automated voice tells me I can save precious time by accepting a text message with a link to a chat robot; if the robot does not resolve my problem, then I qualify (QUALIFY!?!) to talk with a human being.

OK, I accept this invitation and, finally, a person — or what purports to be a person — pops up on the chat line. The following typewritten chat exchanges have been drastically condensed.

Agent: I hope you're having a good day.

Me: Something about my monthly bill seems fishy.

Agent: I hope to put a smile on your face today.

Agent: Rest assured, we will do our very best to provide excellent service and to resolve your problem. We value your loyalty.

I repeat the problem, but not one of the chat site's categories matches my concern. Still, the system miraculously grants me dispensation, and my case receives blessed escalation to a live representative. Here's how that phone conversation goes.

Rep: I'm happy to be your ambassador today. What is the reason for your call?

Me: I forget. No, wait a minute, I just remembered. It's something about my bill.

Rep: No problem.

Rep: I understand, kind sir. You are not the first customer to complain about this. Many of us in the call center have been trying to complain to top management, but no one here has ever figured out how to get through to them.

Me: I know just how you feel.