Intimacy doesn’t get old: Ways to boost your sex life

Interest in sex among older adults is high, but it can be a touchy subject.

Sexual activity usually declines with age, but a University of Michigan survey from 2018 found that 40% of Americans ages 65 to 80 were sexually active, two-thirds were interested in sex and over half said sex was important to their quality of life.

Maintaining sexual desire and intimacy in a relationship can be challenging. Is there a norm? What can be done to enhance sexual activity and intimacy?

We turned to Kristen Mark, a sex researcher, relationship therapist and the Joycelyn Elders endowed chair for sexual health education at the University of Minnesota Medical School to answer those questions. Her research focuses on the intersection of sex and relationships, but she also has studied the science of sex. This interview has been edited for clarity and conciseness.

Q: Is sex important to older adults’ quality of life?

A: Certainly, sex is important to people’s overall well-being across all age groups. It doesn’t stop when you hit midlife. It really contributes to satisfaction and happiness.

Q: Can sex be better later in life?

For women, their sex life tends to improve with age. We tend to see more comfort with our body and letting go of judgment and some of the social stereotypes that exist as gatekeepers to sex.

Men don’t tend to see the same level of pressures around that. What does impact men is pressure for performance. Erectile dysfunction increases with age — that’s just a biological reality. It’s hard to talk about and that can lead to shutting down completely. It doesn’t need to be that way. There are many treatment options available and many other ways to meet sexual satisfaction.

Q: What can older adults do to boost their sexual activity?

A: Couples, especially for long-term heterosexual relationships, can become ingrained in certain scripts. You get into a routine of “this is what we do and this is what it looks like.” It can really limit your sex life. Constantly redefine your sexual script within a relationship. Think about what’s important to you. How do each of us experience pleasure? How can we see pleasure as an exploration rather than a predetermined script? Openness to exploration and self-expansion is critical to maintaining desire longer.

Communicate. It’s important to talk about sex.

Take a strength-based approach to your sex life. Focus on how you want things to be instead of what’s not working. Sex can get quite tricky — you can feel like you’re getting criticized. By focusing on the things that are going well or saying “I really love it when you touch me in this way and maybe combining it with this would feel good” can help.

Q: How can people bring more intimacy to their relationship?

A: I just published a paper on how important affectionate touch is to a relationship and sexual satisfaction. Find out if physical touch is important to your partner and if it’s non-sexual, such as holding hands, sitting close to one another when watching TV or hugging each other. There are benefits to cuddling on the couch or holding hands while walking to dinner.

Q: Are there differences in what men and women want as they age?

A: Sex can change over time and really it should change over time. Your body and priorities are changing. That’s totally normal to ebb and flow.

Q: Can the quality of a relationship affect sexual satisfaction?

A: When your relationship satisfaction is low, it directly relates to low sexual satisfaction, and vice versa. The hopeful message is that if one or both are struggling, you can target one and both will benefit.

Research of healthy relationships shows that if you’re motivated to meet the needs of your partner, you’re more likely to be sexually and personally satisfied over time.

Q: How can older adults overcome health issues, including arthritis and diabetes, which may interfere with sex and intimacy?