Our relationships with family, friends and loved ones are central to our mental health. Being aware of these relationships – and the things in life that can affect them – is one way for people to proactively manage their mental and emotional well-being. In this series, Minnesota Mental Health Clinics shares insights, tips and next steps to help you nurture health relationships.
The first ‘D’ word most couples utter isn’t divorce—it’s distance. Left unchecked, distance calcifies into contempt, stonewalling, and separate lives. Before the final papers are filed, therapists say there’s a critical window where targeted help can reverse course—or, at minimum, foster a respectful split.
“Emotional distance doesn’t show up overnight—it builds slowly, often unnoticed,” says Minnesota Mental Health Clinics psychologist & marriage counselor Dr. Patrick Doyle, PhD, LMFT. “The key is recognizing disconnection early and being willing to do the work before resentment takes root.” In this article, you’ll learn to recognize the warning lights, explore evidence‑based interventions, and decide your next best step—together or apart.
Financial & Emotional Stakes
- Economic: Divorce lowers household wealth by an average of 30 % (Pew, 2022).
- How Kids Cope: Children fare best when conflict—not marriage status—is low. Peaceful co‑parenting trumps high‑conflict togetherness.
Signs Your Marriage May Be at a Crossroads
Almost every marriage will go through some rough patches. Some couples may fight with seeming passion over minor issues but can resolve differences afterward with no lasting ill effect. But there are some signs that point to a higher risk of divorce that shouldn’t be ignored. These include:
- Repeated ‘last chance’ conversations with no follow‑through.
- Chronic contempt (eye‑rolling, sarcasm), which is one of the single biggest predictors of divorce.
- Parallel parenting, in which parents operate more like roommates than partners.
Naturally, physical or verbal abuse or threats are a clear sign that immediate intervention is needed. If safety is a concern, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800‑799‑7233.
Evidence‑Based Marriage Rescue Options
If signs are building that a marriage might be heading towards divorce, the sooner you can take steps to identify and possibly address issues, the better. If a couple is ready, there are counseling and therapy options that offer a chance at an amicable resolution, one way or the other.
If signs are building that a marriage might be heading towards divorce, the sooner you can take steps to identify and possibly address issues, the better. If a couple is ready, there are counseling and therapy options that offer a chance at an amicable resolution, one way or the other.
- Discernment Counseling: A brief, 1‑to‑5 session protocol helping ‘mixed‑agenda’ couples decide whether to pursue divorce, intensive therapy, or status‑quo. Studies show 46% choose therapy after discernment, and 41% report an improved marriage one year later.
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): This therapy approach targets attachment injuries and has a 70% recovery rate. It’s best for couples who are willing to invest the time necessary for 8 to 20 sessions.
- Mediation First: If divorce feels inevitable, consider mediation before litigation. With mediation, the average cost per spouse for the divorce is about $6,000, as opposed to the $15,000–$30,000 often spent in court battles. Mediation-resolved outcomes are also more amicable for co‑parenting.
Personal Reflection Checklist
Here are some questions people considering a divorce can ask themselves and each other to help illuminate their feelings, motivations and desires: