Coach's Corner: Teacher has trouble saying 'no'

Q: Saying "no" is really hard for me, so I end up with way too many commitments. As a result, I am overextended and don't have enough time to myself. How do I get out of this hole — and stay out of it?

A: Develop criteria for saying "yes" and stick with them.

It's important to know why you don't like to say no: Are you afraid people will be angry, dislike you, or not help you in the future? Perhaps you equate your personal value with what you can do for people. Settle in to reflect upon what the world would look like if you felt more free, imagining a time without obligations and "should dos."

Now begin to fill your blank slate by imagining the activities you'd say yes to. Notice your physical reaction if something you don't really want to do creeps in — is there tension anywhere? Pay close attention because this will help you make choices in the future.

Think a bit more about your "yeses" and answer the big questions — what, why, where, how, and with whom, to help clarify any patterns. Again, notice physical or emotional effects if you try to force in something that you'd rather not do.

Consider what you need in terms of personal time. And, importantly, do you feel guilty when you think about setting aside time for yourself? If so, this could derail your plans to move toward more balance. Focus on letting go of the guilt; after all, you can't really help others effectively if you're not taken care of.

At work, with family, and in the broader community, you'll be faced with demands on your time. Your choices and options may be different in each, but some of the strategies will be consistent.

Next, plan ahead, thinking about requests that are likely going to come your way. For example, is your church likely to ask you to lead the spring fundraiser? If you don't want to do it, at least three options come to mind:

• Proactively let them know you're not available this year (especially if you've done the task before).

• Think through something you are willing to do: "I am not available for x, but am happy to help with y."

• Be prepared to say "no thank you" when asked — and to stick to it.

More about that last option. It's not easy, so practice it, and don't elaborate with reasons. It's enough that you're not available — no excuses needed.

It is truly OK to help out others when and how you choose; learning to say no will help you accomplish this.