Q: I'm considered a loner at work. The problem is, I don't really want to be. I'd like to be one of the gang, but I don't know what to do to build closer relationships. It's always been kind of hard for me, but now that I'm in the workforce it's even worse. What can I do?
A: It's lonely to feel on the outside looking in, and there are ways to create the connections you seek.
It sounds like you've had some successes on this front in your life, so think about ways to recreate some of the aspects of life that made this possible. When did you feel the strongest sense of community?
Perhaps it was in an organized setting like school or a team, or was related to having a close friend who you felt really "got" you. Maybe it had to do with a common interest or a shared responsibility.
Take a moment to let yourself enjoy the feeling that you have when you feel like you fit in.
Now think about the origins of your reputation at work. For someone who is less skilled in relationships, your reaction under stress (such as when starting a new job) may have been to focus on getting the work right at the expense of the social side. Or your body language may send a closed off message. If that's been the case, you'll have some recovery to do.
It doesn't sound like the people are against you; if they think of you as a loner, they may even be accepting and trying to give you the environment you prefer.
When you think about the workday, what are the typical times and situations that you'd like to change? This might include bigger events like going to lunch or happy hour down to the little things like the quick chat at the printer or at someone's desk.
