Withering Glance: Going straight to the gym

Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, etiquette, culture, relationships, grooming and more.

CP: Our gym seems to have started allowing straight men as members.

RN: That explains the PT Cruiser in the parking lot and the guy with the "Old Time Rock 'n' Roll" ringtone.

CP: I suppose the gym must comply with state and local antidiscrimination laws.

RN: Hey, if the Republican Party can embrace inclusion, why not our little gay-centric fitness Mecca?

CP: They are so interesting, with their exotic plumage and unique behaviors. I try not to stare. We could use a Field Guide.

RN: Yeah, they're regular hothouse orchids, these Kinsey zeros. Just what exactly led you to make this observation, Margaret Mead?

RN: You're basing your entire anthropological study on shebonics? There must be more. Did you spy someone wearing workout clothes not bearing the Lululemon label? Btw, I'm throwing a party when that store opens in the Shops at West End.

CP: While the gay man will walk, the straight man will tend to clomp. Some of these guys will scratch themselves without shame, and belch, and grunt loudly while lifting weights, and then drop them to the floor with a bang. It's like a high-test slice of Los Campeones at the Aveda-scented Firm.

RN: You make it sound as if the gays all have post-doctorate degrees from the Wendy Ward Charm School. I'm here to tell you that we don't.

CP: The straight guys work out hard, and they play hard. I overheard them discussing having "brewskis" at Sneaky Pete's and Bootleggers. Have you been to these places?

RN: Didn't I see one of them near something called Kohl's? Does that ring a bell?

RN: You know what? I'm down with the gym-going hets. They're probably a lot friendlier than our people. We tend to be standoffish, and we judge.

CP: I do find it easier to judge if I begin by being standoffish. Still, I think women at the gym are having to adjust to being the object of genuine male attention.

RN: We've got to keep our female friends happy. Besides, they'll get used to it. Remember what Rose says in "Gypsy": You either have it, or you've had it.