zimmerteamsEverybody knows that being the head coach of an NFL team is an all-consuming, 12-month-a-year, million-hour-a-week job and that nobody in the modern era of football could ever hope to do another job — let alone several jobs — simultaneously.

What this post presupposes is: Maybe Mike Zimmer could?

After all, he is coming off an impressive second season in which he led the Vikings to an 11-5 record and the NFC North title. Pretty much everyone I come in contact with loves the guy.

This idea started as a tweet last night as the Gophers men’s basketball team … then the Wolves … and eventually the Wild … all lost again. Several of you asked if I would turn it into an actual post. So here we go.To be fair to Zimmer, I’m not going to make him coach EVERY team. Just five other big ones in this market: the three mentioned above who lost last night, plus the Twins and Gophers football. Here’s a brief look at what would happen if Zimmer also coached the …

WILD

Introductory news conference statement: “I’d like to thank you all for being here. Xcel Energy Center is a wonderful facility and I look forward to the support of all the fans. We’ll need you. I admit that I don’t know a lot about hockey, but I’m looking forward to this challenge. Our only goal will be to get better every day. There are a lot of things that need fixing, but the foundation for a Stanley Cup championship is in place.”

First move: Overhauling the power play. Why? Because he wants to.

Likely outcome: A 1980s Oilers-esque dynasty with at least four Stanley Cups, and the eventual renaming of West 7th Street to Zimmer Way.

GOPHERS MEN’S BASKETBALL

Introductory news conference statement: “I’d like to thank you all for being here. It’s good to be back on the campus of the University of Minnesota. I enjoyed my two years coaching at TCF Bank Stadium, and I’ve always felt welcome here. I’m looking forward to hearing the Williams Arena crowd. I admit I don’t know a lot about basketball, but I’m looking forward to this challenge. Our only goal will be to get better every day.”

First move: Toughening up the non-conference schedule. Why? Because he wants to.

Likely outcome: The first coach in the modern era of NCAA basketball to lead a team to the tournament without scoring more than 50 points in any game.

TIMBERWOLVES

Introductory news conference statement:“I’d like to thank you all for being here. I’ve heard from a lot of fans already who are excited about a new era in Timberwolves basketball. I’ve also heard some people say they think this franchise is cursed. I’ll tell you one thing right now: I don’t believe in curses. I admit I don’t know a lot about basketball, but I’m looking forward to this challenge. Our only goal will be to get better every day.”

First move: Throwing a red challenge flag on the floor to protest a call he doesn’t like, even though that’s not part of the rules. Why? Because he wants to.

Likely outcome: Zimmer acquiesces to wearing a suit and tie on the sidelines but still insists on wearing a headset. Fans start showing up for the spectacle and stay for the improved defense.

TWINS

Introductory news conference statement:“I’d like to thank you all for being here. I don’t know if there’s a finer facility in all of sports than Target Field. I was frankly surprised when the Twins called me. I have a lot of respect for Paul Molitor, a baseball Hall of Famer who did a fantastic job in his first season as manager. He’s welcome around here any time.I admit I don’t know a lot about baseball, but I’m looking forward to this challenge. Our only goal will be to get better every day.”

First move: Learning the rules of baseball. Why? Because he wants to.

Likely outcome: The relaxed pace of the game would stress Zimmer out. Molitor would be back after about 6 innings.

GOPHERS FOOTBALL

Introductory news conference statement:“I’d like to thank you all for being here. It’s good to be back on the campus of the University of Minnesota. I enjoyed my two years coaching at TCF Bank Stadium with the Vikings, and I’ve always felt welcome here. Frankly, I’m not quite sure how I’m going to conduct practices for this team and the Vikings simultaneously, let alone coach all these other teams, but I’ve never one to back away from a challenge. The good news is we play on Saturday and the Vikings play on Sundays. So I think this is a good fit and I look forward to the opportunity.”

First move: Firing an assistant coach. Why? Because he wants to.

Likely outcome: Zimmer becomes the first coach in history to win an Super Bowl and a college football national championship in the same season. The Buffalo Wild Wings across from TCF Bank Stadium is torn down, and a 100-foot statue of Zimmer replaces it.

Older Post

Rand: Wild's power play woes in 2016: Not even one goal

Newer Post

Flyovers at the new Vikings stadium? Reportedly they are possible