The city of Minneapolis has a new initiative: Rethink Your Drink! It’s an attempt to get people to realize that sweet beverages often contain lots of sugar, and that fire is hot. Which predictable reaction would you like? There are several. Choose your adventure:

1. Aw Jeez, what’s next? Hamburgers? Hey, let’s have a seminar on the caloric impact of burger sauces, call it the Mayo Clinic! Ha ha! You could have a campaign about how thin slices of carrots are so much better than french fries, and people would be like, hold on, you mean this fresh thing that came out of the ground is better than the carb-o-tubers drowned in a vat of liquefied arterial Spackle? NO, YOU DON’T SAY!

Advantages: Outrage is fun! Disadvantages: obvious; reductio ad absurdum (Latin for “beating the point to death while convincing no one”), exhausting.

2. This is great! It helps people make informed choices, and raises awareness about choices so you’re aware and informed. Together we can combat obesity and make everyone thinner. Also, love the body you have and be comfortable in your own skin! As long as there’s not too much of it.

Advantages: chipper, perky, helpful. Disadvantages: People will stop feigning polite interest halfway through your recipe for a rutabaga colonic.

3. Well, I’m not going to bust a gasket over it. I drink zero-cal soda, but you won’t find me going door-to-door to ask people if they would like to let Lord Splenda into their lives. To each their own. If it convinces a few people to glug less corn syrup, great, but you suspect most people will just add it to the other voices trying to modify your behavior or sell you something, and it turns into one long drone after a while. You know why the monthly tornado siren makes you stop and think? It’s because they only blow it once a month.

Advantages: reasonable, if a bit jaded. But when the city rolls out “Say Hi There to More Fiber!” you’ll be seen as a prophet.