Tyler Perry's "A Madea Christmas' isn't much of a present

Tyler Perry made his fortune by pandering to a predominantly African-American audience. So a tip of the Santa hat for him trying to broaden his appeal by pandering to a white one with "A Madea Christmas," his most integrated movie ever.

Give him respect for making an effort to go against the cultural grain, making a black female character a racist, spouting retrograde sentiments about how all a bully needs is a punch in the mouth and embracing the "War Against Christmas" meme of conservative news outlets.

But from its unfunny Madea-in-customer-service opening to the abrupt thud of a finale, on into the seriously stiff outtakes that cover the closing credits, "Christmas" is his worst Madea movie ever.

How bad is this tale of race, "Taking the Christ out of Christmas" and trouble down on the farm? You can't wait for Larry the Cable Guy to show up.

Yes, it's that bad.

And truth be told, Perry and Larry, two old pros at low comedy, could have done a simple two-character farce, bickering about bigotry, hip hop vs. country music or what have you, and produced a funnier movie. Their scenes at least have a little spark to them. The rest of the movie — none at all.

Madea is fired from her department store greeter gig thanks to assorted "slap the hell outta you" threats. But Eileen (Anna Maria Horsford), her overbearing colleague, talks her into driving with her on a surprise Christmas visit to Eileen's schoolteacher daughter, Lacey (Tika Sumpter).

Times are hard in Buck Tussle, with farmers like Tanner (Chad Michael Murray) taking out his frustration on his wife (Alicia Witt) and son, Bailey (Noah Urrea). Lacey's secret love, Connor (Eric Lively) is a college-trained crop specialist who somehow never learned which cows in his herd actually give the milk. Hilarious.

When Eileen, Madea and Oliver show up, things get complicated. When Connor's parents (Cable Guy and Kathy Najimy) arrive, there's almost no room at the inn.

Madea is famous for her malapropisms. Mrs. Madea-prop tells Lacey's students "the story of the Nativitease. The Virgin Mary ... J. Blige ... she went into laborer ..."

Najimy matches Madea's word-botching, calling Madea everything from "Medium" to "Mrs. Mandela."

What Perry doesn't know about farming would fill a better movie than this. He toys with race, side-stepping into a couple of KKK jokes and making Eileen less than tolerant of "The Help," which is how she views Connor.

"The Nativitease," a couple of mild Madea / Larry exchanges and this aphorism — "A lie — the longer you let it live, the harder it is to kill" — are all the movie has to recommend it.

That's not enough to save "Christmas," a lump of cinematic coal Perry is shoving into America's stockings this holiday season.