Merry Christmas! And if you're reading this on Monday, Merry Christmas, observed.
That's what it says on the calendar: Observed.
That means, of course, that some people don't have to go to work. No mail, although it's hard to tell the difference these days since the mail doesn't show up. And, to be honest, you don't miss getting a sheaf of catalogs from cruise lines you took 10 years ago and an envelope of coupons for wet-basement repair. It also means no stock market, which is a relief these days, because when a boxer has been taking it in the breadbasket for eight rounds he's glad to hear the bell and sit a spell.
But "observed" makes it sound as if you're looking at Christmas through binoculars, sitting in a camouflaged blind. The nature documentary narrator speaks quietly:
"We have come to the habitat of Christmas to study its ways. Using a high-powered lens, we can fully capture the remarkable behavior of this most elusive of festivities. Are the theories correct, that Christmas really ends around 9 p.m., when all the elaborate rituals have concluded? Or — wait! The observers have picked up something.
"It's a man! He has walked into the kitchen, wearing a Santa Claus hat. Our microphones are picking up sounds ... yes, it's Christmas music, and we believe it is 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.' This could be important. No one has ever seen anyone rock around a Christmas tree. We have detected people rocking near it, but a full circumnavigation of the tree? No. Now, the man is opening the fridge ...
" ... and he removes a container of Thomas and Jerome Mix, which we believe is named after a famous cartoon cat-and-mouse team whose mutual antagonism is forgiven on this day. He is adding spirits; he sips; he looks around; he adds more spirits. Wait a minute, wait a minute, he's heading toward the device that plays songs, and he is making an adjustment. A different song is playing now.
"Our team back at the control room says it's 'O Holy Night.' The man listens in silence and sips his Thomas and Jerome. ... The song ends, he wipes the corner of his eye, and takes off the Santa hat, I repeat, he has removed his Santa hat. The time is 9:17 p.m. Christmas, for all intents and purposes, is over."
