Dear Parents:
I'm writing this because you just don't get it. Your kids are stuffing my mailbox with all kinds of requests you can't deliver. Nice try. Even being supernatural won't cut it this year.
You think you have supply chain issues? It's not just the parts that are stuck in shipping containers. Your wildfires have created a timber shortage for the wooden toys. And no one wants anything but recycled plastic, which you're not making fast enough.
Not that it would matter. With all of you closing your borders to limit the spread of delta and omicron, we can't get anything up to the North Pole anyway.
And talent? My belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly when I hear you complaining. There are only so many elves, and now half of them want to work from home which, as you know, tends to be places like knotholes in old oak trees and gingerbread houses.
Ever try to make a decent rocking horse in a space the size of an orange? Or get a toboggan out a door that doesn't have hinges?
Things are no better in my workshop. Since half the elves are working remotely, they need to talk to the half at headquarters so they can coordinate their efforts. Ever see a bunch of elves on a Zoom call? You can only see the tops of their heads, and everyone is chattering at once. There is no word in the elf language for "mute," so it's a real mess.
Even the reindeer are off their game. Since we can't make all the requested toys this year, they know the sleigh is going to be lighter. So they're not doing their usual sprints to get in shape. Let's put it this way: They don't call him "Blitzen" for nothing, and Rudolph's nose is bright red from imbibing too much eggnog. The rest are binge-watching Netflix and HBO and arguing over which spoiled brat should get the company in "Succession."
