Q My ex-husband moved out six years ago. We have two daughters who are now 18 and 20. My ex remains a "functional alcoholic," but his more debilitating addiction is pornography. Since my daughters only saw their dad every other weekend, they were unaware of his addictions. When my older daughter left for college, we discussed the alcoholism. As the younger daughter leaves this fall, it's time both know about their addiction history. Alcohol I can explain. How do I discuss porn's dangers and addictiveness while respecting their love for their dad?
A First, congratulations on understanding how important it is to discuss addiction with your kids. But there are a couple of red flags in your question.
The first is that the kids probably did know about dad's drinking, but they didn't tell you. There are signs your kids probably saw even before the divorce. Consider this possibility: They might not have known how to talk to you about it.
The second red flag is that you have been divorced for six years, and we know it's rare that divorced couples have candid discussions about how they're addressing their problems. Don't be presumptuous. Your ex could be in the process of dealing with his addiction and you just don't know it. You are using good ex-etiquette when you understand that the specifics are Dad's truth to tell.
With all this in mind, it might not be necessary to give the kids a laundry list of what you perceive their father's additions to be. Better to explain that addiction takes many forms, from drugs and alcohol to gambling, shopping and porn -- and it's not uncommon for those facing addiction to be "addicted" to more than one thing. Talk about the behaviors and what to look out for in their lives. Answer their questions honestly and always acknowledge their love for their father. There are lots of helpful books available. Try, "Codependent No More: Beyond Codependency," by Melody Beattie.
Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe are the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents."
