The Mall of America wants $204 million state-provided dollars to build a parking ramp. I say no. If you can afford to expand your business to twice the original size but cannot afford parking, you're doing it wrong. It's like borrowing enough money to build an addition to your house, then asking the state to pay for floors.
Stores galore! But what of MOA parking ramp?
April 25, 2008 at 4:59AM
This isn't anti-mall sentiment; I like the Mall of America, even if the name is a bit grandiose. They could have called it the Mall of Minnesota but no, they had to impress all the other malls. Gopher Mall? As if. Bunyandale? L'Etoile Du Nordstrom?
Dad, please. But it's back to the 'rents when they want $204 million for a parking ramp. You'll get it back! Promise! Please, I need the money, just until Ikea's band gets signed to a contract, then we'll pay you back!
If we do have a fifth-of-a-billion bucks sitting around, waiting to be spent on a parking ramp for the Mall of America, we are rolling in it.
If it was a case of cutting back on all the bunny-shaped ice sculptures in public schools that fountain forth gallons of orange juice every day, I might be inclined to look at the issue. Until then, no. Build it, pay for it yourself, and we will come.
And park. And spend.
Lost in the debate over the expenditure is the jaw-dropping proposal to double the Mall. It will be visible from space by the naked eye, but only for a second, since the eye explodes in a vacuum. Put your helmet shield up, for heaven's sake; didn't your mother teach you anything?
As it is, traversing from one end to the other requires a savvy guide, a pouch of pemmican and bedrolls in case you have to lay up for a night before you make an assault on the South face.
They'll have to offer free Segways to get people to the other side of Phase II -- but only if they're those embarrassment-proof Segways with the third wheel. What sort of stores might we see? Here's a sample.
GAP: Fetus. They'll sell special tiny garments you can paste on the ultrasound pictures you put on the fridge. Sure, they're $30, but they're so cute.
Guest Bathroom Soap 'n' Stuff. Formerly Painted Rocks Unlimited.
Older Navy, for seniors who want to dress like middle-aged people who dress like adolescents.
Apple Store Deluxe: So stark and white and pure and minimalist it doesn't even have any computers, just a hologram of Steve Jobs looking faintly amused you came in here thinking it would make you cool.
Beyond Bed Bath and Beyond: Opens in 2013, pending the repeal of the laws of space and time. (The Met Council is working as hard as it can on this.)
Another amusement park area, based on unpopular cartoon characters like Crikey the Frothy-Mouthed Wombat.
FAO Schwarzenegger A fun kids' store that mixes imaginative play and incredible amounts of gunfire and explosions.
Some 396 more kiosks selling T-shirts with vaguely aggressive comic slogans relating to the wearer's habitual drunkenness.
Dayton's (for one day only, then it turns into Bullock's).
An expanded "Shark Adventure," including a wave pool where you can cavort with your finny friends.
An expanded "Minute Clinic," specializing in field amputations.
Victoria's Secret for Men: a new lingerie store where men can enter without having every capillary on their face burst from embarrassment. Their secret? It says NASCAR BEER DOGS on the sign outside.
Abercrombie & Fitch's Parental Horrification Center: No clothes, just the gigantic pictures of half-naked models.
And more, no doubt. I'll be there on Day One. Especially if we all pop for the parking ramp. If we're going to pay, at least they can offer parking spots with our names on them.
Which would be nice, because I'm sick of carrying around the fake ID that says I'm Mr. Compact Caronly. Never works. Probably because I don't look Italian.
jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at buzz.mn
