Sex ... al fresco

We take our summers very seriously here.

Can you blame us? We spend about three-quarters of the year holed up, bundled up or both. Even the brawniest of us prefer Netflixing from the warmth of our living rooms over the losing battle to keep blood flowing to the fingertips while shoveling snow. We spend month after frozen month dreaming of the gorgeous weather that makes summer in Minnesota the reason we never leave.

Our patience pays off just after Memorial Day, when the earth tilts and our pasty butts come out in droves, utilizing every possible daylight hour. We drink outside, dine outside, play, exercise, read; we even lug our laptops around so we can work outside.

So is it any surprise that an unscientific poll of Vita.mn readers revealed that we also like to have sex outside? Of course not.

It's not the thrill of getting caught. It's not hyperactive libidos. It's just that we refuse to come inside until we absolutely have to. Even when dusk hits and the temperature drops a few degrees, our skin is still warm from a day in the heat. We sport short skirts and tank tops into the night. Nothing -- not even the urge to kick off the flip-flops and start knockin' boots -- will keep us from enjoying the great outdoors.

"She hopped on my lap, facing forward. I pulled up her skirt in the back, slid her panties out of the way, and unzipped," says Tony, a 30-year-old photographer in Uptown. His favorite public sex session happened in the middle of the day in a city park, when he and his then-girlfriend were relaxing under a tree at the Lyndale Park Rose Garden. The romantic scenery and fragrant blooms got the best of them, so it was only natural to seize the moment. "We did it quietly like that for a while, then rolled over and covered up with the blanket for a quick finish."

Vita.mn online user boboblonkey had an impressive outdoor romp, memorable enough to recount nearly 20 years later: "It was 1988, we were downtown, under the old Federal Reserve building where the huge patio used to be, with the sculptures and the waterfall that looked like it flowed uphill. ... I'm sure it was captured on camera; it was the Federal Reserve, for God's sake! But no one bothered us."

"Dinner and mojitos at Azia, followed by a fallen tree on the banks of the Mississippi in Lilydale Park, surrounded by fireflies. That was the best birthday ever."

The University of Minnesota campus is apparently quite the hot spot for heavy petting, among other things. "John," an independent IT consultant from south Minneapolis, cut his teeth at cunnilingus on the St. Paul grounds. "I had read about the alphabet technique, so I did a couple runs from A to Z, but have since learned that's just a tool for the imperceptive."Alex," a relocated student at the university, also recently celebrated a first on campus. A big first.

"I was at a party with a classmate I had only known for a few weeks. He is smart, hot, everything. We started kissing at the party -- this was the first time I had ever touched another guy -- and he walked me back to my dorm. He kissed me again up against a tree outside, and before you know it ... yup. I couldn't come though, because I was freaked out about the cops showing up. Sex in public is illegal here, right?"

It is, unfortunately. Get busted by the police while doing it al fresco, and they'll slap you with a misdemeanor -- a permanent mark on your criminal record with the risk of up to 90 days in jail and/or a fine up to $1,000. And public-sex fans starting careers in child education or politics should start reciting their explanations now, since "indecent exposure" will stand out a little more on some job applications than others.

But even getting caught by the cops doesn't scare us into heading indoors when we're in the mood for love. Not one of the guilty parties above was apprehended by police or even acknowledged by passersby. In Minnesota, sex is just another activity best enjoyed outdoors, and we think nothing of it.

"The best they could find was 'Eat the Rich' by Motorhead," he says.