Enough about high taxes, traffic jams and the winter without end in Minnesota. It's time for some good news:
In the coming weeks, upward of 35,000 of us will be rolling out of bed hours before dawn (yes, this is good news) to slap on camouflaged outfits, dose ourselves in deer tick repellent and insert-in-mouth something called a diaphragm turkey call. Next, we will march into a black forest to find a seat without thorns at the base of a tree we still can't really see.
Now the good news gets even better.
To greet the dawn, we will blow (not swallow) said mouth call trying to imitate the seductive sounds of a wild hen turkey. (Obviously, because this is a family newspaper, we cannot divulge exactly what the hen is saying, except — believe me — a male or tom turkey who has spent the night alone in an oak tree is apt to gobble with joy upon hearing this X-rated conversation.)
If your hen talk sounds promising — not too loud, not too often — the gobbler might appear in all of his spring mating splendor, chest puffed, tail fanned and ready to get it on.
Then, you shoot him.
Now, now, don't start crying. A few million domestic turkeys die every Thanksgiving, and they never had a chance to get it on. And you don't cry before bird carving, do you?
And remember this: More good news. The presence of wild turkeys in Minnesota is one of the state's greatest conservation achievements over the past 50 years.