Maybe those school lunch shamers were onto something ("Lawmakers curb school lunch shaming," July 7). Instead of ending this practice, let's expand it:
• If you cheat on a partner, a scarlet "A" is tattooed to your forehead. Natch.
• If you're returning books late, the librarians form a spanking machine that you must pass through.
• If you arrive late to a movie, the lights go up and everyone throws Junior Mints at you. Church? Throw hymnals. Opera? Throw opera glasses. Etc.
• All no-fault laws immediately change to your-fault laws, and if you're in an auto accident, chains of tin cans and an old grocery cart are permanently affixed to your rear bumper.
• If you haven't read the whole book in time for book club, you're given no wine and must wear a dunce cap.
• If you arrive last to any meeting, you're given no coffee and must sit under the table.
• If you don't spend 20 full seconds washing your hands, all witnesses must give you a wedgie.