Raising children with love and leadership

John Rosemond is a family psychologist with a firm belief in traditional parenting. A syndicated newspaper columnist and author of 11 books, including "The Well Behaved Child: Discipline That Really Works!" (Thomas Nelson Publishers), Rosemond speaks his mind on a variety of child-rearing issues, including indulging children, the role of parents as family leaders, and ways to raise kids to be good citizens.

Rosemond, who lives in Gastonia, N.C., will be in the Twin Cities next month as part of the Edina Parent Communication Network's national speaker forum. In a phone interview, we asked him about "helicopter" parents, self-esteem and more.

Q Why do you believe it is important for parents to focus on both love and leadership as they are raising their children?

A While I know that parents genuinely love their children, the second "L" word is just as critical. Leadership in parenting means the calm and casual projection of confident authority on the part of the parent.

Many of today's parents are more focused on building a relationship with their kids, so much so that they shoot their leadership abilities in the foot. Parents are striving for their child's approval, but without providing leadership, they wind up dealing with push-back and opposition from kids. Leadership has to precede relationship.

Q In your view, parents tend to enable their children in significant ways. Name an example.

A The most pervasive example is assistance with homework. When I was growing up, homework was seen as our responsibility. Our parents wanted us to do our best, and it was about the importance of building character. Today's parents are much more concerned with the achievement issue. They want their kids to get good grades, so they step in to help.

Q How are the effects of "helicopter" parenting materializing in our culture today?

A I've had discussions with executives in the business community who are observing that many recent college graduates appear to have difficulty with problem-solving and decisionmaking. I've heard about parents sitting in on job interviews, or contacting supervisors if they believe their child has been wronged in the workplace.

Another lament I'm hearing from employers is that many young people are not looking for jobs, but instead are looking for benefit packages. They want to know what the employers can do for them instead of what they can do for employers. It's a complete reversal from how the workplace operated two generations ago. It's also a carryover from the belief some kids have that their parents are obligated to them, rather than the other way around.

Q Talk about the correlation between having self-esteem and having a high regard for others.

A I am an anti-self-esteem guy. I believe humility and modesty are desirable attributes. Self-confidence and self-esteem are two different things. When people have high self-esteem, they want others to pay attention to them. If you have a high regard for others, you want to pay attention to others.

Q What is the most effective way for parents to equip their children to lead happy and productive lives?

A I go back to the idea of developing good citizens: instilling the qualities of tenaciousness, respect, service, perseverance in the face of adversity and a willingness to accept personal responsibility. Parenting is not strictly all about the child. It's about the culture. Raising a well-behaved child is an act of love for your neighbor.

Julie Pfitzinger is a West St. Paul freelance writer.