Ask Amy: Quit trying to hide DNA test results

Dear Amy: About five years ago, I found out through DNA testing that my third child (age 31), is not my biological son. I learned this after divorcing my wife. My ex will not discuss this issue with me and has not been forthright with him, either.

I love my son as much as my other two children, but doesn't he deserve to know the truth? He lives on the opposite coast, but we have a good relationship and just enjoyed a great weeklong visit together.

One concern to me is that he eventually may need to know his medical history that I cannot provide. Also, he is becoming more inquisitive regarding family ancestry, and I try to avoid such conversations.

His mother does not want to discuss any of this with me, but I am open to having both of us discuss this with him if she is willing. I have taken the stance that it is up to her to tell him, but after five years, I'm getting tired of waiting.

Is there anything I should do, or should I just wait on her?

Amy says: You should not avoid discussing family ancestry with your son. He is a member of the family and — DNA aside — your family ancestry is also his.

He also has the right to learn the truth about his DNA. This is important information. And even though learning this news would undoubtedly lead to challenges for everyone in the family, it is the truth — it is his truth — and he has the right to it.

You should set a reasonable deadline and let his mother know that if she doesn't disclose the truth to your son by then, you will. And yes, definitely offer to join her in a discussion.

Dear Amy: I recently married "RJ," and life is great.

While at a get-together with old friends of mine, one of them waited until RJ went to the bathroom to ask me about my ex-husband. She quickly wrapped up as soon as RJ was approaching us again, and I'm glad that she did.

Unfortunately, RJ hasn't always extended the same "kindness" to me. In the past, he and his friends have relived the good times they've all had together, including much, much talk of his ex.

I don't have jealous tendencies and didn't mind per se, but I admit that I did feel somewhat disconnected from him after those instances.

Amy says: If the choices are kindness and consideration vs. "yapping" and dealing, I'm voting for what's behind Door No. 1.

Generally, extensive conversations about ancient personal experiences co-starring strangers are both boring and disconnecting. A gracious person will find ways to steer the conversation.

Yes, I agree that it is kindest for your husband not to initiate extensive conversations involving "much, much talk" of his ex. However, if the ball gets rolling, you should tolerate it. Nor should you completely avoid talking about your own history in front of your husband.

These anecdotes will help you to fill in one another's life stories while you build your own shared history.