Phubbing — phone snubbing — can hang up a relationship

The newest risk to romantic relationships has a funny name but the potential to do serious harm.

It's called "phubbing" — a portmanteau of "phone" and "snubbing." It happens when one person is talking about something while their partner is focused on their phone.

Phubbing appears fairly benign. Yet research shows it can be insidious. A recent study linked higher levels of phubbing to marital dissatisfaction, and a 2022 study found it can lead to feelings of distrust and ostracism.

"Phubbing can be a range of different behaviors, from glancing at your phone in the middle of a conversation, to checking your phone when the conversation stalls out a little bit, or keeping your phone close by," said Anthony Chambers, chief academic officer at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. He said the issue comes up on an almost weekly basis among the couples he works with.

Fortunately, it's a relatively easy issue to fix, he said. A lot of times, it's not intentional. The person doing the phubbing doesn't intend it as an insult and might not even be aware that the other person is taking it as such.

There are strategies that can help.

One is to establish ground rules about phone use, said Katherine Hertlein, a professor in the couple and family therapy program at the Kirk Kerkorian School of Medicine at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.

Chambers advises couples to establish phone-free zones, whether that's a particular room — no phones in the bedroom, for instance — or a stretch of time — phones must be put away during meals.

He also encourages couples to take control of their pop-up notifications.

"That can be a really big trigger," he said. "You hear the beep or the buzz, and you're sort of trained to pick up the phone."

If you're upset about phubbing, talk about it, he said. Chambers frequently works with couples where phubbing behaviors have been left to simmer until they become a bigger problem.

One partner may feel like the other is spending time on their phone in lieu of helping out with the kids or household tasks, or that they find work emails more interesting than family time. He has worked with many clients who have admitted they had no idea how much distress their behaviors were causing until they were in a therapy session.