No.

No. No, no; no no no no. No? No. No no no no, no, no no no. No no no no, no, no - no no, no, no no no no. No no no, no, no.

"No no no no. No no no no, no, no no no. No, no? No. no no no, no, no - no no, no, no no no no. No no no, no, no."

No no, no, no no no no. No no! No no! No. Just - no.

FILTH: IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER There are two ways to do a story on disgusting, bacteria-laden ground turkey. There's the New Internet Way, which uses that style You love so much because it's all about You: Mother Jones says "You Won't Believe What's In Your Turkey Burger." Really? If they say six ounces of gold mined on Pluto, I would not believe them. If they say all sorts of organic contaminants, yes, I would believe it. But it's not in my turkey burger, because I don't have a turkey burger. Obviously the article is about someone else.

The other way to write the headline? Go for the stupidest possible cliche. That's the Consumer Reports approach: "Consumer Reports Investigation: Talking Turkey."

What does that mean? How does one talk turkey? Why would you even say that outside of the last two weeks of November? Anyway, the answer is disturbing, if you're the sort of person who doesn't cook meat all the way through, and licks his fingers after handling raw poultry.

WHOA There is nothing as terrifying and beautiful as space, except perhaps one of those actresses who refuses to age. This week's installment of implacable gloriousness of inconceivable dimensions: The Rose of Saturn.

The windspeed is about 330 MPH. Also, as the NASA page says: "Image scale is 1 mile (2 kilometers) per pixel." It took that shot from 261,000 miles away. Imagine what we'll see when we get closer with better cameras.

Oh, one more thing: the storm is nestled inside the creepy Hexagonal Wind Arrangement.

Be sure to check the comments, which devolve into politics within the first two responses to the article. People! They never stop finding new ways to disappoint.

TECH Headline in The Week: "5 Ways the Samsung Galaxy S4 stunned an iPhone user." There is one way you can stun someone with an S4, and that's to throw it at his head. Literally. At his iconic, literal, stunnable head. You can impress, amaze, instruct, persuade, and a variety of other words that haven' been ground into paste with overuse, but for God's sake stop saying things are stunning.

Anyway, let's see what the editor-at-large says about the stunning S4:

It seems as if he is describing the act of doing several things sequentially.

I did all of those things on my iPhone without difficulty. Note: these are things I never do, but if stopping a video to take a picture and then stabbing icons for two social networks is your thing, advantage S4.

Having never seen the internal camera app, I'll take his word for it. I use the default app because it's on the lockscreen, and I fiddle with the pix in Snapseed, which is far superior to the default iPhone app. As for not figuring out iPhoto, well, okay. I must profess ignorance about the S4's "intuitive" photo storage system, but the iPhone automatically stores a photo in the same location, and pushes it up into the cloud and down to all your other devices automatically.

The iPhone can ship your photos to Twitter or Facebook in the default app. Picasa and Dropbox take some fiddling. Advantage: S4, if this matters to you.

Again, if you're the sort of non super-user who has 12 GB of podcasts, advantage S4. Then again, from BGR News:

The last point is the replaceable battery, which matters to some, and hence is something you should keep in mind when you decide words best for you.

In short: if you like the S4, great! If you like the iPhone, great! Whichever meets your needs. This isn't intended as a tearful defense of the iPhone, by the way - stop picking on it! My self-worth and personal identification is tied up in a software platform, and I insist you reject your preference! No, I just enjoy questionable Apple-bashing. There's so much room for legitimate Apple-bashing, and when people say "more room for podcasts" you suspect they're reaching for things that might not be tops on the list of most people's needs. Apple's iCloud non- hierarchical scheme is vastly insuperior to Dropbox, and its native apps look, well, silly nowadays, compared to the clean flat design of Google's offerings. The latter will change; the former, I don't know.