Nick Coleman: Stick a fork in this primary -- it's done

August 10 is the feast day of St. Lawrence, the Christian martyr who was grilled over a slow fire by the Roman Emperor Valerian in 258 A.D. At one point, Lawrence asked his executioners to turn him over, joking that, "I'm done on this side," forever becoming (this is true) the patron saint of cooks and chefs.

We know how Lawrence must have felt.

Aug. 10 is also primary election day in Minnesota, and the suffering voters have been slow-roasted by simmering politics the entire summer -- just enough heat to annoy us without enough to enlighten anyone. Sadly, we aren't even close to being done yet. Please, someone, turn up the fire and get this thing cooking.

It is no help that this year's primary -- just 16 days away -- comes while there is still a month of summer vacation left, the kids are still at the pool, grandma and grandpa are still up at their cabin, and the dog is still laying on the porch with its tongue out.

It's called the dog days, a time of indolence when the Dog Star -- Sirius -- rises and sets with the sun, lawns die, weeds grow and mountains of naked corn dogs are shipped to the State Fair to get measured for fried flour coats. No one takes politics Siriusly before the fair, where this year the plethora of candidate booths will have signs on the side saying, "Hi, I'm Horatio Olson. I hope you voted for me!"

I argued against an August primary before the Legislature and the governor agreed on one, and as Aug. 10 draws near, it is becoming evident that it was a bad decision.

Minnesota is in the midst of an ongoing crisis that threatens a meltdown in public services, that is shredding the social safety net and that is threatening all levels of public education. At the same time, the state is in the middle of an uncivil and often nasty battle over political philosophies that make it difficult to find common ground or to agree on a way forward, and where winner-take-all strategies in a three-party political campaign are likely to make most voters feel like losers when it's over.

Republican Tom Emmer thinks restaurant servers drive Jaguars home from Taco Bell and that he should avoid being photographed in shorts, even while roller-blading.

Democrat Mark Dayton sold a Renoir to help finance his campaign while threatening to increase taxes on wealthy art collectors. His chief primary opponent, Margaret Anderson Kelliher, has a Scandinavian maiden name and can drive a tractor. And Matt Entenza, despite his Italian surname, is part Norwegian and dislikes Tim Pawlenty, which puts him among a solid majority of Minnesotans these days but will leave him grasping at air: Pawlenty's running for president, not governor.

Put him down as The One That Got Away.

Some people have asked why it seems as if the Democrats are running against Pawlenty instead of against Emmer. Two reasons: Emmer has been doing a good job attacking his own campaign, and Pawlenty is the guy who set the state's course, locked the steering wheel and bailed out just as the car was heading for a cliff. Plus, his people are running the creepily named corporate campaign called MN Forward, which has raised almost half a million from Polaris, Hubbard Broadcasting, Target Corp. and other firms to put some electric paddles on the Emmer campaign.

Attention, Target shoppers: We have a governor's special in Aisle 7: Vote for Tom and get 10 percent off on a jug of fabric softener. And vote Emmer so we can have more jobs. Those 1,000 jobs we cut at headquarters last year? Uh, that wasn't because the economy collapsed due to Wall Street greed and bank swindles. That was because Democratic governors spend too much! You know, just like the last one.

The primary was moved up a month because of a federal law requiring soldiers serving overseas to have time to return absentee ballots for the Nov. 2 general election. The election might have been moved to early June, but the geniuses in the Legislature (both parties) were afraid it would be too hard to have to run for reelection while people remember what legislators did in May, so they chose August, guaranteeing a low turnout in a state that prides itself on the high turnouts.

A primary turnout of less than 10 percent is a distinct possibility, but I am predicting 14 percent. For each percentage point over that, I will eat a corn dog.

One last thing for you to cogitate on as you enter the voting booth (or not) on the coming Feast of St. Lawrence: It's also Herbert Hoover's birthday.

Please vote!