The last American virgin

In case you missed the news that "The Bachelor" has never had sex, the three-hour season premiere is here to remind you over and over (and over) again. Former NFLer Colton Underwood keeps cool in the pocket, even as he's introduced to a field that includes a contestant that dresses as a sloth, another who fakes an Aussie accent and a buttinsky who ruthlessly monopolizes his time. Let the games begin.

7 p.m. KSTP, Ch. 5

A fine mess

If the new feature film "Stan & Ollie" (opening later this month) doesn't do enough to prove that Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy were one of the greatest comedy duos of all time, this well-curated marathon should do the trick. The evening kicks off with 1932's "The Music Box" — that's the one where the pair try to move a piano — and continues with longer, more ambitious fare like "Way Out West" and "Sons of the Desert."

7 p.m. TCM

Sugar high

Meadow Roberts, a 10-year-old from Minneapolis, and Paige Goehner, 11, of Blaine, are among the Betty Crocker hopefuls competing in the "Kids Baking Championship." Valerie Bertinelli helps the youngsters through challenges that include mixing marzipan into their recipes. The winner gets $25,000, which is nice, but pales in comparison to inheriting a chocolate factory.

8 p.m. Food Network

Neal Justin