Miscreant Roundup

Selections from the latest crime report, complied and written by Susan Hilliard.

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Ah, the fragrant tang of snowblower exhaust mixed with a gallon of bad blood:

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I know what you're thinking, punk. Did he puncture six balloons, or seven?

Disturbing the peace. Someone called police to report hearing seven gunshots fired in a hallway in the 1800 block of 105th Lane NW. Police set up a perimeter and entered the building. Officers found broken balloons in an entryway and believed that to be the cause of the sound heard by the caller.

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So it's all subjective, then? You report gas, you get two guys whose noses have been skewed by too much smoking and bad cologne, and that's it?

Hey, guys, where are you going? What about the gas?

Sorry, pal, we think it's fish.

Fish? It's rotten eggs! Sulfer! Gas!

Really, you think so? To me it's more like the smell of an ancient outhouse, and maybe cardamon. Call us back if things start to get explodey, 'kay?

I suspect the messages will change form, and hue, after a while:

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The Spirit of the Season:

Without the backstory it's hard to judge, but given that the call came in 3 days after Christmas, Ma could make the point she's owed a bit more. Nine months, maybe.

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All cars be advised, be on the lookout:

Note the phrasing: wanted to. I suspect he was dissuaded. "Sir, if you could get down on your knees and look beneath the sofa?"

"What do I sound like, someone from CSI? You guys are the experts!"

"Sir, if it's not under the sofa, you may try the space between the sofa cushions."

"Sir, grip the object and draw it out."

"Slowly, right?"

"The velocity is not important right now. What's important is getting the remote out."

"Right, before the batteries go dead. Cool. I'm cool. Okay . . . got it! I have the remote! Say, do you think - hello? Hello, you there?"