Lileks: Minneapolis dogs aren’t the mailman’s best friend

According to the post office, Minneapolis has a lot of naughty dogs. Sleet nor snow is one thing, but snippy schnauzers are another. The USPS compiled a list of states where postal carriers are bitten by dogs, and we’re 15th.

Anyone with a dog knows how the appearance of the mailman makes the pup go from peaceable nap to DEFCON 1. The problem is threefold: 1. We want our dogs to protect us and warn us. 2. The mail carrier is a dutiful public servant in whom we have trusted the sanctity of our correspondence. 3. Dogs do not have a “public servant” carve-out for perambulating emmisaries of the state.

“Well,” you say, “that’s because the USPS is an independent agency that exists outside of the executive branch.” True, but I think this distinction is lost on a creature who eats dead chipmunks.

You wonder why the dog does not understand the situation. The mail carrier never attempts to enter the house and steal our food and leave his mark on the rug. (Birch did that in 2018, and even though we had it laundered, I am certain he can detect his scent, as if it were the olifactory equivalent of a brass band.) The mailman comes. The mailman leaves.

“Yes,” any dog would tell you — if it had the power of speech and the ability to remember what happened five minutes ago — “he left because I barked. If I had not howled and growled, he would have come inside and bitten everyone.”

“No,” you say, “he would not have bitten anyone, because mail carriers do not bite, unless they are rabid. Have you ever considered just keeping quiet and seeing what happens? You can go full Cujo if he gets in the house.”

Here the dog would stare at you with disbelief, just as an ancient priest who practiced a sacrificial religion would look if you suggested that he not rip out the hearts of 100 people on the pyramid today, just to see if the sun rose tomorrow anyway.

Lest you think our dog is only defending the house, let me tell you what happens if he sees a mail carrier on a walk, a block away and across the street. One minute all is well, and the next I’m reseating my arm joint into my shoulder socket.

The USPS study notes that “the average cost per dog bite claim is $64,555, a number that can include medical bills, lost wages, uniform replacement, and ‘pain and suffering for the employee.’”

Uniform replacement? You mean to say the postal carriers have to buy their own? You’d hope the shredding would be covered by an Act of Dog clause.

It’s probably a case of bad dog owners, people who let their dogs roam free, loping unleashed around the neighborhood. But there are times when the post person strolls up, my dog’s safe in the backyard, and I fear for the structural integrity of the fence. If there was a small trampoline in the yard, he’d hit that thing and fly over like a Tomahawk missile.

If you wonder how many bites Minneapolis dogs have inflicted on our gloom-of-night servants, the answer is 27. That’s 27 too many. It’s entirely avoidable. We must do our part. But maybe the USPS could look into meat-based stamp adhesive. Make the arrival a cause for joy.

Nah. They’d just bark with a mouthful of drool, and that gets all over the windows.