Men: Your Valentine's gift guide

TO THE MEN WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE READING THIS: On behalf of women everywhere, I'd like to apologize for Valentine's Day. We know you hate it.

Sorry.

We know you'd rather be doing anything other than shopping for the perfect bouquet of flowers, box of chocolates, bra-and-panty sets or upscale spa package to put into our shamelessly outstretched hands.

We know you'd rather not have to worry about whether your material token of love will be deemed thoughtful enough or expensive enough or "meaningful" enough to satiate our long-held Valentine's Day expectations.

And, we know that the whole Valentine's Day thing is a consumer-fueled, mass-marketed tradition that has as much to do with love as a lap dance and four strippers at a bachelor party have to do with marriage.

But we can't help it. Just like you guys get all orgasmic at the thought of college football season, we girls get all wistful the moment you hand us a dozen roses and a Hallmark card on Feb. 14.

"Had guys their druthers, there would be no Valentine's Day," says Jordan Burchette, executive editor of Maxim magazine online, which has a Valentine's Day gift guide for its readers.

"I think guys in real relationships probably put a significant amount of thought into a gift, much as they would a birthday or Christmas gift," he continues. "But it's only because of the consequences of [messing] it up."

It's a tricky thing, that's for sure. The wrong gift can be a total turnoff (i.e., Kama Sutra books are a definite "DON'T" if you and your valentine have an otherwise G-rated relationship), while the "right" gift can give a girl the wrong idea (i.e., stay away from rings unless you want her thinking love and babies).

It's not that we're totally shallow -- at least not on the other 364 days of the year. It's just this day.

"Right or wrong, it's the lone holiday that speaks to their need for validation as a woman," Burchette says. "Men don't need validation the way women do, which is why we spend our lives trying to placate women."

So what's a guy to do?

Secondly, let us pick out our own lingerie. Sure, we know it seems like a sexy gift and that Jessica Biel looked great in whatever lacy, stringy getup you saw her wearing in Stuff magazine, but that doesn't mean we'll want to wear it.

"I think lingerie may be a copout gift, because guys think women think it's a good gift, but ultimately neither do," Burchette says.

That said, it can work.

"If I suspected beforehand that he only cared about sex and sexiness, this would probably confirm it and I'd get skeeved and break up with him," said Emily, 28. "If we connected in other ways besides sex, this would be icing on the cake."

Thirdly, don't buy us chocolate. We like it, and we'll probably eat it. But it's only going to make us feel fat.

Home-cooked meals are even better.

"A few years ago, my man made me a filet wrapped in bacon, asparagus and mashed potatoes," says Ashley, a 24-year-old Hermosa Beach resident. "Everything was perfect because he did it himself. He even put construction paper on the door and named the restaurant."

See that, guys? It doesn't even take a lot of money to make us happy on Valentine's Day.

In fact, according to a survey conducted by Passion Marketing Research Associates, 62 percent of women say a handwritten love letter from their beloved would be their ideal Valentine's Day gift.

"I would rather have someone hand-make me the worst card/dinner/gift in the world than to wait in a busy restaurant where they don't take reservations, have a preset menu, or parking," Ashley says. "It's all about doing something different."

"I won't be mad if I don't get anything," says Alix, a 32-year-old East Coast friend. "Well, yes I will. A card is an absolute must."