Mauer's mom reveals what Joe wants in a wife

Have you got what it takes to be the future Mrs. Joe Mauer?

Just chill in the on-deck circle, ladies, and prepare to pass muster with his mom, Teresa Mauer -- and ME!

That's right. And no beauty queens need apply.

Wednesday I had the pleasure of interviewing the most significant Mrs. Mauer in Joe's life to date about her favorite new Head & Shoulders product. Turns out the Twins' $23 Million Baby isn't the Mauer family's only paid H&S spokesperson.

"Have you seen the Troy Polamalu [commercial with Joe]? I love it," she said. It's a very funny spot showing Joe in the locker room holding a bottle of Head & Shoulders with a towel draped over his head to mimic Polamalu's flowing mane. As Joe imitates Polamalu's high-pitched voice while opining about how the Steelers' defender owes his great-looking hair to Head & Shoulders, Troy suddenly materializes, "Beam Me Up Scotty" style, to shut Joe up. Here it is, at www.startribune.com/a374, via Youtube.com.

Teresa is diligent in doing her job: "It's not the Head & Shoulders I knew growing up," she said. "They are coming out with these new scents, pampering kind of things. There's a new itchy scalp collection. I know, doesn't sound very [appealing], but it's got a great eucalyptus scent. Oh my gosh, it's like I'm in a spa. I'm big on little things, pampering myself. I mean I don't usually have an hour to go get a massage."

WHAT! I stifled the impulse to say it, because I was talking over her too much already, as you can hear at startribune.com/video. With all the money Joe's making, Mom's not hitting the spa regularly? Maybe her luck will change on Mother's Day.

She laughed when asked if she was looking forward to the day that Joe settles down with Mrs. Right.

"Is there one?" she asked. "Just kidding."

Since young women are always asking me how they can meet Joe and what's he really like, I asked the most important woman in the young catcher's life what attributes she would like to see in Mrs. Joe Mauer.

That brought an extended laugh from her. "Do you have somebody in mind?" she asked. "I will tell him he has to run her by you. How's that? That'll work?"

That would be like the pressure Francisco Liriano was feeling Tuesday in the bottom of the eighth of his No-No against the White Sox -- and I wouldn't have Danny Valencia backing me up.

Intelligent and independent. Check. Check.

I asked if Joe was always as placid as he seems.

"I always kidded, wondered if he had a pulse sometimes," she said. "His brother Bill is kind of like that, too. Nothing gets a rise out of him. Never gets too high or too low."

OK. So no Drama Queens (or Princesses) need sashay toward the on-deck circle. Check.

Sounds like Joe's mate also needs to be someone who can truly revel in the joy of others -- something that does innervate Joe.

Speaking of getting back into the game, I asked if Joe's injuries were related to him needing more TLC from Mom, and if he had these problems when he lived with his parents.

"Of course he did. He was not the perfect child." According to family lore, she said, "That would be Jake, the oldest one."

She doesn't think commercials for H&S and Kemps are taking Joe's mind off baseball. "He's a pretty smart kid. He wanted to do them all in the off-season, be done with it by the time spring training started. That was one of his stipulations of doing them," she said. "Right now he's so focused on baseball and, especially now, just getting back on the field. He's always been that way. Single-minded."

The bottom line is, Mom's not worried about Mrs. Joe Mauer. She's confident that Joe will make the same sort of good choices his two older brothers did in selecting two "great daughters-in-law, and I didn't have to go through the junior high stuff" that daughters can bring during those years. "We have four grandchildren now. I'm loving that part. They're great kids, and then I get to hand them back. That's the best."

So, would-be Mrs. Joe Mauer applicants, please busy yourselves by studying, traveling and calmly expanding your intellects because marriage may not be foremost on Joe's mind.