The banality of the holidays means one thing to many people: movies. Either you're running to the theater to escape your family, or you're being dragged along with everybody else. One year I was forced to watch "What Women Want" and "Miss Congeniality" -- in the same day! It sucked. I felt like that guy in "A Clockwork Orange" who was forced to watch horrifying images until he went silly. Two romantic comedies in one day? Horrifying. To get in shape for this weekend -- the busiest movie weekend of the year -- I spent an entire day at the Southdale megaplex. Here's what I experienced, and what you may need to survive. Now go forth and be brave.

I arrive at Southdale five minutes before the day's first movie: "Apocalypto." What a great way to wake up. Blood, guts, torture, beheadings. Fantastic. Oh, yeah, and for breakfast I'm having nachos, Raisinets and a large Diet Coke. Yummy.

So the movie starts, and the first thing Mel's Mayan warriors do is ... eat wild-pig testicles. Eek. After two more hours of Mayan suffering -- and remembering what Mel did to Jesus in his last film -- I come to the conclusion that Mel is definitely a sadist. Ugh, and I probably should've eaten just a pretzel.

On to "Happy Feet." Weird, I grew up listening to N.W.A so I never thought in a million years I'd see an Ice Cube preview before a children's film. (It's for the sequel to "Are We There Yet.") What's the world coming to?

Ahhh, dancing penguins are much more pleasant than watching naked guys getting their hearts cut out in the jungle. Lunch: a $4 hot dog, popcorn and an Icee.

"Happy Feet" ends and the tiny hooligans who pack the theater have begun dancing in the aisles like penguins. Get me outta here.

It's midday and time for "The Nativity Story." The greatest story ever told, they say.

It's getting dark outside, and I've been here nearly seven hours. But on to "Casino Royale," the latest Bond film. First, I need some sustenance to lift my droopy eyelids. How about more nachos?

Yes! Finally, some explosions. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with these Hollywood movies. Wide awake again.

My pee breaks have been pretty strategic until now. But I don't have to worry about missing anything if I gotta go during my next movie: "The Holiday," a 2½-hour romantic comedy. Ugh.

Something's wrong. Maybe it's from sitting in a movie theater for 10 hours. Maybe it's just me. Whatever it is, I have to pee but I don't want to move. This "Holiday" movie with Jude Law and Cameron Diaz has gripped me. Gripped me, I say! Weird, and what's this? Tears ... welling up ... in my eyes ... Noooooo!

Whoa. It's been 12 hours. Can't drink any more pop. Just water now. Eyes blurry. Legs feel like mush. I have no clue as to what's happening in the outside world. Maybe the Vikings won. Maybe Bush invaded another country. Maybe more people got sick at Taco Bell. Whatever, I've got to make it to one more movie.

Oh, my. Did that fat guy just put his balls in Borat's mouth? That's the second time today I've seen testicles going down some guy's throat. Very nice!

Whew. It's over. Fourteen straight hours, six movies back-to-back. My journey is complete. I feel like Frodo. But now I must ask: What have I learned today? Hmmm.

Well, the pizza-faced teenagers who work here aren't a very curious bunch -- they acted more like robots, not making a peep about me hanging out all day. (However, I did pay for each movie.)

Also, after two months in release, "Borat" is still the funniest movie ever. And who would've thought a stupid romantic comedy about house-swapping is more interesting than Christ's birth. Yeah.

Or maybe I'm just delirious.