The other night, I sat outside with a nice cool beverage and started to yell at my wife. Nothing bad; we just live under the airport approach. At some point I felt something on my arm and glanced over to see a June bug. "Oh, you little pest." Did the finger-thumb flick and shot him into the dark.
Nah, not really. It was more like: stood up, waved arms, dumped drink in my lap.
That's what happens when you see a huge, stupid bug on your arm, wings out like some predator about to spit acid, glossy body the size of a butcher's thumb. You have an instinctive revulsion: If one lands on your laptop screen, the next thing you know, the computer is upside-down in the grass 15 feet away.
But maybe you're one of those insect lovers who likes the YouTube videos where someone lets horrible, clicky creatures climb all over their hands while the narrator merrily describes the nightmare:
"Here is the Madagascar Stench Scarab, or flatulenta mordida, so-named for the powerful jets of gas it uses to repel its enemies — and, frankly, its friends. One of these was sent up to the International Space Station for an experiment, and even up in space they had to crack a window."
Perhaps you hate other bugs more than June bugs. Hairy things with more legs than the Chinese army; busy spiders; grasshoppers that look big enough to saddle up a squirrel. Even so, you must admit: June bugs are uniquely annoying. They dive-bomb you out of nowhere, as if evolution somehow produced a bug whose sole purpose is to get into your ear by blunt force.
Some facts about June bugs:
1. Their genus is Phyllophaga, a Greek name that translates to "leaf eater," although they also will dine on flowers and even young trees. If you hear a neighbor scream, "I have to go inside, the vegans are just terrible tonight," this is technically accurate. Of course, sheep also are vegans, and no one freaks out if they see a sheep on their arm.