We can't guarantee you'll like this car warranty call

I got a letter from the auto dealership. Having sold me a car a few years ago, they are under the impression that I wish to repeat the procedure on a biannual basis. Maybe they think I regard cars like disposable lighters: Welp, it's out of fuel, better get a new one.

I ignore most of the missives, but this one said it was Time Sensitive, which sounds like they break out in hives if someone shows them a clock.

It was a reminder that my warranty was about to expire, and if I wished to avoid ruinous repair bills, I should think about an extended warranty. I had until Feb. 18 to answer. Presumably, after that I would find myself prostrate on the floor of the dealership, clutching the service manager's ankles, begging for another chance.

It was then that I realized I had a remarkable opportunity for some fun. You know, customer interaction fun. The other day I went to the bank to cash a check. I was feeling naughty, so as I approached the teller, I pulled up my mask, put the check down and said: "Put the money in an envelope and slide it across the counter, and no one gets hurt."

I mean, that's the usual procedure, right? You can't arrest me for that, especially when you're requiring the mask. The teller smiled, we had a good laugh, and the day was a little brighter for all.

So, I thought, let's have fun with the warranty guy.

"Hello," I said. "I've been trying to reach you about my vehicle's extended warranty."

I wanted to say, "Talk to you about the extended warranty. Get it? All the spam calls? About that?" But I decided to drop it.

We started to chat, and he asked my mileage. And then he said: "Tell me about your driving habits going forward."

"Well, I'd say 99% is going forward, except for leaving the garage and parallel parking."

Crickets. I gave up. We discussed the advantages of the warranty, and I nodded along, glad I wasn't sitting in the office with this guy. I know little about cars, and feel a sense of shame that leads to bravado and overcompensation.

Car guy: "Your car is engineered to exacting specifications, a dependable chariot that will give you years of driving pleasure! Also, the rear axle might fall off for no reason on the highway with a horrid clang and clatter behind you, somersaulting end over end until it impales an Amazon delivery truck and goes through the boxes like a cruise missile. What if your drivetrain failed?"

Car guy: "Do you know what a drivetrain is?"

Me: "It's the ... the part that trains the car, so you can drive it."

Car guy: "You're googling this on your phone, aren't you."

Me: "No, I'm just praying for the driver of that Amazon delivery truck."

Car guy: "That was a theoretical example."

"Yeah, I hear about those," he said, "but I never get them."

Really? Never? "Nope. I understand they're annoying, though."