We must respect all life and be good stewards of the Earth. All creatures have a place in this incredibly complex machine we all inhabit. Except for zebra mussels. KILL! KILL! KILL!
Why? They're not like invasive carp, the stupid fish that fly out of the water and hit people in the head. It's rude. Would you dive into a lake just to punch a trout? No. Zebra mussels are different. They are revolting horrors that encrust anything in the water. A female can produce half a million offspring in a year — 136,000 of which never call on Mother's Day but put a card in the mail and hope it arrives — so you can see what we're up against. But now there's a chemical that the DNR says kills the beasties stone-dead. ZEQUANOX. From the company's website:
"ZEQUANOX is composed of dead cells of a naturally occurring microbe which are perceived as a nonthreatening food source. Once ingested, ZEQUANOX deteriorates the mussel's digestive lining, causing death."
Anyone who ever ordered the "Judgment of Shiva Vindaloo" at an Indian restaurant understands this.
The microbe is also a source of a modern antibiotic, and is used to make yogurt. An infection-stopper and a breakfast treat. But does it work on flying jerky carp? I don't know. If you see the carp coming and throw a yogurt container at it, maybe. What if jerky carp can only be stopped by zebra mussel chemical, which also cures male-pattern baldness and provides an all-natural low-cal sweetener? We'll have to reimport the mussel — then discover it secretes a chemical that increases the fertility of emerald ash borers.
Meanwhile, Milfoil is on the phone to his publicity agent, shouting: "What happened here? I used to get stories about me in the paper all the time. Now I'm nothing." The agent, who has the West Nile virus on the other line, nods his head. Like he needs this.
