Lileks: Prime's ad-free service won't be free

Amazon Prime Video has announced that they will be sticking ads in their shows in 2024. I'd like to have a chat with them about that decision.

So, Amazon: What the hey?

"Well, having spent untold amounts of money on our MAD initiative, we ... "

Hold on, what was MAD?

"It stands for Meretricious Attenuated Dreck, whereby a lousy series would be padded out to 10 episodes when three would suffice. We spent the equivalent of the gross national product of Belgium on a bunch of series that drew lower ratings than the Paint Drying Channel. If we may continue?"

Yes, but only if I can interrupt periodically and try to sell you a drug, Nowinka, which prevents Spasmodic Eyelid Disorder. Did you know that one out of 15 people occasionally suffers from tremulous eyelids? Ask your doctor about Nowinka. Do not take if you are allergic to Nowinka. Side effects may include excessive eyelid fluttering. If your eyelids flutter so much that you levitate like a hummingbird, discontinue use. Do not use if you are nursing, are a nurse or a nurse nursing a hangover."

"That was an unnecessary interruption."

"So, having spent a lot of money on some shows no one really seems to have watched, and facing steep competition from a variety of other streaming services, we are ... "

No, let me guess. Cutting back on overproduced attempts to build a new franchise, and building up a fantastic back catalog of old, obscure movies that remind us of the pleasures of Hollywood's forgotten accomplishments?

"Nnnnnoooo, we're adding ads. Now before you get upset, consider that we promise to use the money to keep improving our already fine programming, like 'Lord of the Wheel of Time.' And our upcoming 'Jack Ryan Reacher, Teacher' about a huge, muscular elementary-school educator who throws disruptive students through walls. As well as bright new innovative shows like 'The Masterful Mr. Maytag,' a delightful story about a 1950s appliance repairman who becomes a stand-up comedian. And don't miss 'Stranger Thongs,' our sequel to the popular '80s throwback sci-fi shows that has our lovable band of misfits all grown up and working as Chippendale dancers."

No thanks. Did I mention that a lot of old movies would be great? Maybe you could buy the rights to some old stuff with Cary Grant or Rita Hayworth, something that's 90 minutes, tight, interesting and doesn't try to jam the swollen foot of modern cultural obsessions into a small glass slipper?

"If you don't want ads, you can pay an additional $2.99. That's nothing. Price of a quart of milk."

"Well, in Q4 2024 we are rolling out a new tier, where a burly man comes by your house and cracks your kneecap with a lead pipe. But only during selected programs. For $5.99 you can move to the Premium Plus tier, which does not have any kneecap-rapping, although a man will show up and give your forearm a brisk Dutch Rub before the show starts.

"In Q3 2026 we will be broadcasting at random intervals a high-frequency sound that makes you bleed from the ears and is fatal to house pets, but for $7.99 the sound will be muted somewhat, so your eardrums just throb for a while and your dog pees unexpectedly. But it's better than the old days, right?"

The old days. When TV cost nothing, and ads were an expected part of the paradigm that shaped the dramatic construction of the shows, with three cliffhanger breaks and a climax, forcing an efficient dramatic compression? You mean that?

(Silence) "Look, just pay it, OK?"

OK. That's all you had to say. I will, because it's just $3. But I don't like you much these days, and all the products you suggest seem to be cheap junk. I'm about thiiiiiis close from bolting Prime entirely. You good with that?

Right. Say, here's an idea for a streaming series: the history of Sears, Woolworth's, Montgomery Ward. How they never lost focus, never got complacent, never alienated their customers and stayed at the top.