Don't change the subject. Did January pay you off? Did it tire of taking all the grief for being cold as a brass bell at the bottom of a well on the dark side of the moon after the sun went dead? Don't tell me you're hanging around with January now. That month has nothing going for it. No holidays, nothing. It's a bad influence.
"Oh, come on. February's the short shifty one that tries to make you like it with all the chocolate and Cupids and stuff. January is misunderstood."
You have been hanging out with January. Don't you know it's a nihilist? You have meaning, traditions, Currier-and-Ives Thanksgiving vibes. Over the river and through the woods and all that. You —
"Have you ever thought that maybe I'm tired of being the month that's just about turkey? Did it ever occur to you that everyone thinks I'm nothing but empty trees and stupid snow showers and people getting irritated because Christmas songs are playing at the mall already, and then, whoa, stuffing and football. Then it's all over and everyone's happy to see December come in on its red sled and throw peppermint canes at all the kids? Did you ever think that I might like to be fun for the kids, too? Did you ever wonder why there aren't any candy canes that taste like gravy or yams? Or that bean dish with the crunchy onions on top? Did you?"
November, what have you done?
"I bought my own polar vortex! I've got friends in Canada, you know. Real friends. And they made me a deal on a polar vortex so I could show you I can be just as cold as January. But I don't, usually, because I'm not that kind of month, and you're all used to me not asserting myself and just letting everyone walk through the month like I'm a hotel lobby and you just want to get to the elevator and get up to your room so you can open your presents. Well, I have feelings too.
