Lileks: Last bell hasn't rung, but brains long gone

If you ask me to name the most decisive battle of the Hundred Years' War, I might roll my eyes, point out that the colloquial name is inaccurate -- it was a series of conflicts, much like the World Wars of the 20th century -- and say it's hard to choose, but the 1429 rout of the English at Patay would certainly number among the crucial events. Gosh! you'd say, how do you know that?

Simple, my friend. It's one of those things they teach on the last day of seventh grade. You never forget those things. I remember the last day of sixth grade, when the students asked the teacher to draw the curtains so that annoying sight of green and bright sunshine would be blocked and we could concentrate on memorizing the periodic table. Oh, how your heart sank when you realized school would soon be over, and the daily array of delectable facts would be replaced by the great vacancy of June. Right? Make sense?

Of course not. No one learns anything the last day of school, particularly when the school year pushes into the second week of June. The child's brain develops a thick, chitinous coating that no fact can penetrate. When school goes into June it sets in motion a complex chemical reaction that seeks out neurons responsible for transferring information, and shorts them out; by June 6, most kids answer "what's 2 plus 2?" with "cat."

Minnesota law says schools have to have 925 hours of instruction. Compared with other nations, it's less; in China they have to have at least 1,100, and that's prenatal. After they're born, the hammer really comes down. In Australia they go year-'round, but they have long breaks between semesters -- a model some would like here, under the theory that test scores can be improved if we do more of what's not working now. The same theory believes that bread can be improved if you leave it in the oven overnight.

But if stick with our current system, there has to be a last day. So: Let's tell them it's June 14, but suddenly announce on June 1 that school is over! Clean out your lockers and go home. Hah! Tricked you! As we speak, your brains are trying to overwrite the things you've learned, but it's no use! You'll remember most of what we taught you. You might even remember how many years in the Hundred Years' War.

I think it was 116, but as I said, it was the last day.