LILEKS: How video doorbells help us make nicer lies

Because I'm always eager to fill up the yawning void of existential dread with a new gadget, I got one of those video doorbells. The picture is crisp and clear. My doorbell broadcasts a better image than CBS circa 2001. At night it shows stars; it's like I bolted the Hubble to my house.

I can't wait to use it with a visitor, but no one's shown up yet. For once in my life, I actually want someone coming around the house to sell me magazines so I can get rid of them remotely, from my phone, wherever I am.

Here's how I imagine the interaction will proceed:

Bothersome person presses bell.

Me: "Hello, sorry, I can't come to the door."

BP: "OK, thank you." Leaves.

Here's how I fear it will work out. The doorbell rings and goes to my phone while I'm in line at a fast-food drive-through.

Me: "I'm sorry, I can't come to the door right now."

BP: "OK, I understand. But can I just tell you about the Project for a Clean Sustainable?"

Me: "No. I'm busy. I'm downstairs. And I broke my leg. It's in a cast. A very heavy cast. I have to go up the stairs backward on my butt."

BP: "I can wait."

Me, after muting the phone to order my meal: "I'm ... in the middle of something. I'm putting up some preserves."

Me: "What, like Balzac or Dickens? No. But, what do you mean, Project for a Clean Sustainable? Aren't you missing a word?"

BP: "Sir we're all missing a word, and that word is community. The Project for a Clean Sustainable Community wants to work to empower communities to project sustainability in a clean way that ..."

And then I realize that nothing will get rid of this person, so I shout: "I cannot see you now! There are owls here, and the owls are angry with the sour juice of your lies."

The guy leaning out of the drive-through window with my bag has a curious expression, so I take the bag and drive on even though I really want to ask for some mustard for my hamburger. They never put mustard on anymore.

BP: "OK, I hear you about the owls. What would be a good time to come back?"

Of course, then I'll have to monetize the video and allow ads, and people will click on my video — Oz Monkeys Work for Amazon: The Shocking Proof — but there will be an ad for insurance beforehand, and even though you can click to skip after five seconds, people think: "I've got things to do. I mean, I've seen Oz Monkeys in the movie. So they're delivering a box. Wake me when they're going down a waterslide." And then they hit the back button.

As for using the video if my packages are stolen, you know how that goes.

Me: "Hello, Police? I have high-quality video of some miscreant taking a box off my porch. I figured you could compare it to other citizen submissions, compile a dossier, send out an all-points be-on-the-lookout-for bulletin and bring a temporary sense of closure to our general fears about rising crime."

Police: "Thank you. Please e-mail it to majorcrimes@whoopdeedo.com and we'll send the SWAT van shrieking to your house." (Click)

As much as I love the device, I think the manufacturers have it backward. The doorbell should have the screen, like a modern gas pump. It should play video the visitor can watch until I get to the front door. News, weather, sports — with ads, of course. And I get a cut.