Here's to the lucky lottery losers

If you accept the proposition that there are infinite universes in which every possible outcome occurs, then there's a universe out there where you won the Powerball. Me, too!

It's not the same universe, or I'd be suing you, because your offer to split it was legally binding, and I have witnesses, because in this alternate universe dogs can talk and you'd better believe he's testifying on my behalf. He knows who throws the sticks. It's so cute when they get up in court and hold up their right paw to take the oath.

Anyway, I did not win in this universe, which is probably just as well. I could never issue the slightest complaint or dissatisfaction about anything ever again.

For example, the other day at the store I saw a new brand of low-carb breakfast cereals. I don't know what they're made of. Probably sawdust and Splenda. A single box cost $9.99. When I see a price like I that I think I should oil up the wheelbarrow because the cereal will be $49.99 next week, and I'll have to bring stacks and stacks of currency in a wheelbarrow, like Weimar-era Germany.

No, that's ridiculous; we use cards now. At best you'll have to bring two cards. It would be silly to bring a wheelbarrow with two credit cards into Target. Maybe people will have really tiny wheelbarrows, and everyone will be in the self-checkout line on their hands and knees, pushing them.

Anyway. It's $10 for cereal. If you win the Powerball, though, you cannot complain about 10-buck cereal. Even if you're complaining on behalf of others.

"I can't believe a box of cereal costs a sawbuck. This is getting out of hand!"

"Well, first of all, no. Currency paper isn't soft or absorbent. You get chapped pretty quickly. Unless you use old $100 bills that were in circulation for a long time and got softened up, but you don't find many of those, so I usually blow my nose with $1 bills. But I care because these prices have a ruinous effect on the economy."

"So you buy the boxes and then stand outside Target and hand them out as an act of charity?"

"Uh, no? I'm not saying I'm here to solve the problem, I'm just pointing it out. Just because I won the Powerball doesn't mean I have to exempt myself from discussions that affect the everyday lives of Americans!"

"Actually, yeah, it does."

This is why people who win huge sums move to Lottery Island, where everyone shares their concerns. You can say, "The other day in my private jet they served champagne, and it was domestic. I'm sure of it. Which means it wasn't even technically champagne. I had the whole crew put off in Chicago. Really, you can't tell who's responsible for something like that; best to sack the lot."