Memorial Day is the start of summer, right? Not this year. You cannot have summer in June. You can get a steak out of a wild dog’s mouth easier than making spring relinquish a day in May. Treasure this upcoming week, because when May ends we’re strapped to a rocket aimed at Labor Day, and there’s no chute to slow it down. You walk out the front door on June 1st and the next thing you know there’s a yardstick in one hand and a corn dog in the other.
You may be wondering what’s open tomorrow, because that’s the first dilemma many have about a holiday: I might need some stuff.
The Post Office is closed and the stock market is shut, which is really bad if you have to mail a letter to your broker to buy Consolidated Ambergris, but you can attach a message to a homing pigeon leg if it’s urgent. For me, mail consists entirely of glossy catalogs that get a cursory glance as I walk them to the recycling bin. It would be simpler if the mailman just described what he saw at the mall the last time he was there.
How about UPS? No. But “UPS Critical” is available. I presume this means emergency delivery, unless the driver is contemptuous of your purchase and describes its faults in withering detail.
Meters will not be enforced, which always sounds like the king is granting us a favor. I shall let 10 men out of my gaols, and none shall be vexed with the farthing tax to tether his steed to my poles. Thanks, yer majesty.
The wading pools will be open. No lifeguards on duty, so parents are advised to swaddle tots in bubble wrap and duct-tape foam noodles to their limbs so the undercurrent does not carry them off to the 3-inch deep end.
Some grocery stores will be open, so you can face the fact that they’re out of fresh brat buns and you’re stuck with the kind that feel like they were baked with the intention of sustaining King Tut on his journey through the afterlife.
Finally, some stores may close early. Those back-to-school displays take awhile to set up.