Lileks: Are all Minnesotans plant murderers?

How many plants do you have in your house? You might reply "define plants." Well, a head of lettuce in the fridge doesn't count. I ask because there's a new study from homeadvisor.com about the best states for indoor green-thumbery, and of course you want to know how we do. Let's look at the key "findings" of this important survey;

Fact No. 1: "Nebraska and California residents are the most likely to kill their plants."

I think they could rephrase that. It sounds intentional. It's as though you've been staring at that potted moron for weeks. What does it do? It sits there, demanding water. Now and then it drops a leaf, like it's dying or something. Such drama.

Finally, you just can't take it anymore. You spring at the plant and snap off the stem at the base — then stagger back, appalled at what you've done. Should you call a friend who knows how to cover up things like this? Or should you confess? You end up burying it in the backyard, hoping the neighbors don't see and tell the cops.

"Well, I wouldn't have thought anything about it, folks dig in the garden all the time, but it was 1 a.m. and he kept saying he was sorry."

Fact No. 2: "Of Americans surveyed, 1 in 4 prefer plants to pets."

Understandable. One rarely finds a fern scratching the bedroom door at daybreak demanding to be fed. But one in four? I guess 25% of the respondents come home, feed the fern, put it in the wagon and walk it around the block.

Fact No. 3: "The most overrated trendy houseplants are succulents (29%), ferns (17%) and palms (10%)."

I am not sure who would sneer down their opera glasses at someone so déclassé as to own a succulent. "I'm not saying they're not our type, dear, but (leans forward, whispers) I hear they have palms."

Fact #4: "Nearly 1 in 5 Americans follow 'plantfluencers.'"

This cannot be. There are more than 332 million Americans. I refuse to believe that there are 66 million people who follow plantfluencers. Unless the respondents misheard the question as "Do you follow Pat Flewencer," because duh, who doesn't. He's hilarious.

Where do Minnesotans land in this green-thumb survey? We are firmly in the top 10 states — alas, it's the top 10 states most likely to kill our plants. Forty-eight percent of us are guilty of planticide. But it doesn't say whether this is first-degree fern murder or unintentional hostacide.

I counted the plants in our house, and, dang, we're picking up the slack for some of you. For our state average to drop to six, some of you must have negative plants, like plastic ferns.